In the Volcano
by SapSorrow
Summary: My Spirky version of "Into Darkness" and the events shortly after. M rated for some major sex, language and violence in later chapters. Lots of angst and epic feels, updated to also contain fluff after all the angst! Very Spirk, also with Spock/ Bones friendship in later sections. Now with sex and bonding in chapter 10!
1. Chapter 1

**This is kind of a sequel to my fic "Urges" but also works on its own. Set throughout the events of "Into Darkness". At this stage Kirk and Spock are having definite sexual relations but it is in no way a functioning established relationship. Also Spock is still reluctantly with Uhura, at least to begin with. Spirk with graphic content esp. in later chapters, also in this one, also angst. Lots and lots of angst. Enjoy!**

**In the Volcano**

**1.**

Initially Spock had no intention of actually filing the report regarding the events on Nibiri. He had _written _the report almost straight away, but on looking it over he had very much realised the damning effect it could have on the Captain and put it aside.

He had been contemplating events when the captain had shown up in his quarters, almost hurtling in, buzzing with concern, so close in his space that Spock can sense the tension radiating from him in crashing waves. This kind of thing always annoys him from Uhura, from Kirk it has an entirely different effect. The Captain keeps touching him as he talks, as if he needs to keep reaffirming that Spock is there and whole and safe and his words are a mess of anger, relief and the constant passion of being that constitutes James Kirk.

"I could have lost you Spock! Don't do that to me again, what the hell would I do without you?"

"Captain that is both selfish and hypocritical of you – especially when there is barely a mission we undertake that does not involve you putting your life in danger –"

"That's different Spock!" Kirk is shouting now and, as always he crashes through Spock's self-control until the Vulcan is shouting right back at him, his hands grasping the human's shoulder hard enough to hurt –

"_How _is it different? Do not presume to tell me either that you are invulnerable or that your life is not at least as valuable as mine! Believe me you would do a lot better without me than I would without you!"

"How dare you _commander? _I'm sick of you always assuming my feelings to be piss – all just because I can't hide them like you can. If either of us is heartless we all know it's you!"

"If that is the way you feel I suggest you leave my quarters" Spock's voice goes so icy anybody sensible would have been gone like a shot.

"_Fuck _that _shit _Spock! Fucking make me!"

"You would like me to, wouldn't you _captain?" _Spock snarls, shoving Kirk into the wall – "You say _I'm _unemotional but _you're _the one who can't get excited unless there's someone around to beat the crap out of you!"

He winces to hear himself, knowing that he has lost control when he starts to adopt the human's manners of speech.

"Yeah? Well we all know how much you like doing _that, _don't we Spock?"

"Do not even pretend that you do not intentionally provoke me rather than just admit your true feelings –"

"Oh fuck me! I'm being lectured on the art of feelings by a fucking Vulcan! The hell with you Spock."

"_Please- " _Spock snarls – "Accompany me there _Captain."_

He pulls Kirk forward to slam into the wall again harder, holding him there relentlessly, grinding his violent erection against him. Kirk has been hard ever since they started shouting at each other and they have both been aware of it, both emitting such waves of heat and lust and need that he might as well be back inside the volcano. Kirk claws for grasp on the Vulcan, scratching hi back as Spock digs nails into his wrists and Kirk arches his body into Spock's and they are kissing viciously, teeth and tongues and lips fighting in a desperate struggle for dominance – _makeyoumine – keepyousafe – keepyouwithme – Mineminemine –_

It has almost become a pattern, this wild crashing together – their fierce arguments covering up for so much concern and lust and love that both are aware that arguing has become more or less foreplay every time. Each time one of them is endangered they end up fighting and then fucking, mating like animals to reaffirm that they are together and alive. This occasion is going much the same way when the intercom rings.

They barely register at first; Spock's eyes having taken on that glare of burning blackness that Kirk now recognises as an arousal only sated by savage animalistic intercourse and fuck that makes him want it just as much. Spock's hand is rubbing against Kirk's cock and they are both extremely aware of the painful hardness of the other through clothes that were due to come off any minute now – when the intercom rings again insistently.

"Spock? Spock it's me, let me in I need to see you."

Spock deflates a little just at the sound of her voice and Kirk cannot stop transferring the angry thought –

_How have you not dumped her already?_

Spock sighs, not even sure himself and disengages reluctantly from the human he wants to let in the one he doesn't particularly. Kirk pries himself off the wall just in time for Uhura to come whirling in, no sorry-am-I-intruding, just a –

"Captain, I didn't know you were here" that quite clearly means – "I really wish you weren't – now please fuck off". Kirk grits his teeth –

"I'll – just – get going then" he mutters, leaving quickly – and furiously, punching the wall outside so hard that he then has to take his hand over to Bones in med bay.

Meanwhile Uhura throws herself at Spock, throwing her emotions in his face, hurting his head with the force and sound of her wailing concern and all he can think about is that he is still hard as hell and he really hopes that she does not notice and think it is for her.

_x_

**Spockblocked! I'd like to just note that I don't hate Uhura as a character (much) I just really hate her as Spock's gf. In the next section starts the angst. **


	2. Chapter 2

**Wherein begins much angst. :-(**

**Volcano**

**2.**

The very next day they return to Earth. There is so much to do that they barely see each other, except on the Bridge, all day. As soon as an opportunity presents itself Spock heads over to the Captain's Starfleet quarters with the intention of carrying on where they had broken off the night before. He is on the verge of knocking on the door when he is stopped by a sound like a bucket of ice cold water down the back of the neck. It is a sound he knows only too well – that of Jim Kirk engaging in intercourse – or as his brain angrily interjects _fucking – _in this case what sounds like a pair of female Caitians.

A low growl starts to rise in him, unbidden, from that low down place that only Kirk can reach, and he clenches his fists until it feels like they will explode. He only just stops himself from roaring aloud from the hurt and thr fury that builds up and up spreading through his bodylike a virus, clouding his brain with its poison until he wants to break in there and rip them all to pieces, saving the Captain for last, savour his pain and destruction –

_- hateyou hate youJimKirk, worst thing that ever happened to me I will destroy you, break you riptearkill, hate you, hate youbastard-dothistome – liartraitorcheatcheatcheat –_

He swallows the poison down, slams his fist into the wall until the knuckles bleed, returns to his room and files the report.

It does not make him feel any better.

_x_

Spock is not surprised to get the call from Admiral Pike the next morning and he rather suspects he knows to what it pertains. Kirk, quite clearly, has no idea of what is coming and positivelybounces on his way to Pike's office, like an exciteable puppy. His exuberance as he babbles away makes Spock feel, at least temporarily, a little guilty. He is so sweet when he is excited and that innocent enthusiasm has always been something Spock found rather endearing.

On the other hand he is still seething with fury and betrayal. Seeing Kirk all excited just reminds how how much the human touches his feelings, however hard he tries to hide them, he reaches in and grabs at them as though he is physically trying to take out his heart. He does not want to contemplate his feelings at this time. He cannot believe how blissfully unaware Kirk is of how much he has hurt him, and when Kirk pats him on the shoulder it is all he can do not to punch him; hard to believe he cannot hear the wave of hatred and anger in his brain –

_Touched me how dare you touch me could kill you should kill you hate you hate you traitor liar love you cheat always help me how dare you how dare you –_

And perhaps Kirk does at least pick up on something because damnit if he doesn't start fucking _flirting _without even breaking stride –

"Ladies – James Kirk".

All he even needs to do is introduce himself and it is the equivelant of slipping his room number into their underwear, making Spock wonder if he is actively _trying _to enrage him – like he hasn't managed already – the fact that he apparentl has no idea what he is doing to him does not make the Vulcan feel any better at all. He is so dense, so _careless, _so negligent of other people's feelings that Spock finds himself hating Kirk as passionately as he did the first day they met.

And yet he still attempts to defend him to Pike, his foul mood provoking him to go so far as to be deliberately obtuse towards a superior –

"I am a Vulcan sir, we embrace technicalities." He protests

"Are you giving me attitude Spock?"

The admiral sounds almost intrigued, bordering on delighted in a manner very similar to Kirk's in fact. "I am expressing multiple attitudes simultaneously –" _you have no idea _he thinks – "To which were you referring?"

He sees Kirk almost grin at this and it does not please him to be reminded that he knows him well enough to be aware of what passes in a Vulcan for insubordination. Still, he registers the look of betrayal on Kirk's face when he realises that Spock reported him with a painful twinge of unpleasant pleasure. Satisfying to think _betrayal yes, give you back a little of what you gave me, hope it chokes you insulting bastard –_

So that when Pike orders him to leave he is only too happy to go and he waits not far ouside the door listening to the rather gratifying sound of – in human parlance – a useless asshole getting his arse handed to him.

He is still there when Kirk comes storming out o few moments later, sees him standing there and does all but bare his teeth in a snarl. Spock realises, not liking the fact, that he has been actively waiting for this confrontation. For a couple of moments they eye each other warily, eyes narrowing almost to match each other and the human moves for him, his fists clenched, nostrils flaring, lip curling –

"Hear what you wanted Spock?" he spits.

"I cannot say I quite follow Captain.

"Not anymore _commander – _no thanks to you."

"I see –" he almost smirks – "_Ensign."_It is the perfect way to insult, perfectly accurate and yet a challenge he knows Kirk will not avoid –

"Oh fuck you you fucking –" he explodes, trying to keep it together – "Why'd you do it Spock? What'd I ever do to you?"

Spock sneers –

" Because it has to be personal doesn't it? It woudn't occur to _you _that someone was merely doing their job and behaving in a professional manner. It has to be a personal attack on the great James Kirk –" he emits waves of sarcasm, rather hoping that Kirk will drown in it. Kirk looks genuinely bemused, so unaware of what he has done wrong that he cannot even reply. Spock decides to enlighten him –

"I came by your quarters last night –" he clarifies, each word withering in it's own little pool of ice – "You were – shall I say – otherwise engaged."

Understanding and anger dawning at once in the human's eyes.

"_That's _what this is about? You make me loose my ship because you're fucking _jealous?"_

"Vulcans do not get jealous."

It is usually the perfect retort,the Vulcans- do- not defence, that is no answer and work on the assumption that the other person will forget he is half human. It usually does work, just not this time –

"Oh you give me that every fucking _time _Spock as if I don't know better; I've seen your face every time I fucking _talk _to a girl – jesus, we're not engaged for fuck sake –"

"Nevertheless I had foolishly assumed some level of commitment on your part. A mistake I shall not be repeating –"

"Commitment? The fuck Spock? – I never gave you _shit"_

"A statement with which I must concur" Spock feels so cold the words must ice up on hs lips, certainly even Kirk seems affected by it, but then he is always affected by everything –

"Besides if you were half as Vulcan as you pretend to be you'd know that talk is all I ever do."

"Indeed. Until last night. How long had you been waiting for the change of scene? Or have I missed something in the last few weeks?"

"_Fuck _you Spock! You know goddamn well where I've been the whole time we were in Space, it's not like I've had the fucking time even –"

"If my attentions were an inconvenience to you it might have been relevant to say so earlier. At any rate it will no longer be a concern to you."

"Oh because you listen to me anyway? Fuck, why am I even bothering? _You're _the one with the _fucking _girlfriend for fucks sake –"

"And I have informed you repeatedly that your implication is irrelevant. Moreover your manner of expressing yourself is infantile and unworthy of my time."

He turns his back on Kirk deliberately to provoke him, though unwilling to consult himself as to why – or to why he does not actually leave.

"You never do admit when you're spoiling for a fight do you Spock?" taunts Kirk. Spock eyes him narrowly over his shoulder, fists clenched –

"At least I do not fight first amd consider my conduct later" he spits through his teeth.

"Course you don't Spock, you're too fucking hypocritical for that aren't you? God I can't believe I'd even defend myself to you –"

Spock's eyes flash furiously at him as he fights to control himself.

"Of course you don't. That might suggest you credited anyone's feelings but your own –"

"Feelings – you? Don't make me laugh. Cold fucking traitorous bastard son of a bitch –"

_Son of a bitch _is one implication Spock will not tolerate. He roars, all teeth and fists, charging Kirk with an unrestrained blow that throws him down the corridor. He advances, fast closing in as Kirk sits up, winded and whincing from the blow but still better able to speak than Spock is –

"Oh – what – does that bother you? It's okay to call you a heartless bastard as long as I don't call your mom a bitch?"

Spock growls in inarticulate rage, bending over Kirk to punch him repeatedly, but the human is good at dodging punches and manages to goad him even while taking a few –

"Think about it Spock –" he almost _laughs _at him, even while flinching and dodging – "You don't get to be that much – of a fucked up arsehole – on your own – do you? – Me? – I blame the parents – jerk." He kicks Spock in the stomach with both feet, throwing him back. Spock leaps onto his feet, knocking Kirk back down before he has a chance to pressforward and settling his hands violently around his throat –

"I should _kill _you –" he hisses, "It is you who do this to me – _you –" _He can feel Kirk's heart beating frantically, see his eyes roll, hear his frantic thoughts –

_Spockdon'tkillmeplease._

_- Do not _dare _speak to me like this again – _Spock screams through the mind link, letting the human feel all of his pain, choking it into him to burn him from the inside – _loved you damn you I'd kill you just for that but you do this to me, worthless pathetic whore I'd rather love anyone but you –_

His hands shake with the pain and awfulness of this knowledge and it allows Kirk time to breathe and to spit the searing thought back –

_Love me _Vulcan? _Like hell you do. _

Something switches off in Spock's head, as though all that anger has short circuited his brain and he _truly _feels nothing, just a ringing in his ears and emptiness.

"You are correct _human" _he says, flatly, pulling back in defeat- "I do not love you any more than you love me. You were merely a distraction, a – toy I liked to use – and now –" he frowns, struggling beneath the weight of so many lies – "You disgust me. You are worthless – nothing, and you are nothing to me. " His lip twitches, adjusting himself to the cold dark feeling of getting the emotional detachment he had thought he wanted. "I trust your future conquests will be more _successful" _ he intones leadenly, feeling the ice fill up his heart. He rises, looking down at the human as though from far away, falling backwards into blackness, lashing out one last time to kick Kirk in the balls with full Vulcan force. He feels nothing but a distant cruel pleasure to see the human double up screaming in breathless silence in a pain too great for words or even voice, his eyes streaming and hollow from shock.

"Live long and prosper"

Spock spits as he walks away.

_x_

**And the moral of the story is don't piss of a Vulcan, kids! :-)**


	3. Chapter 3

**3.**

_Fuck, _Kirk thinks, still on the floor _Oh Jesus fuck, my fucking balls, oh my god I'll never fuck again – Jesus – _It occurs to him _guess that's what he wanted, fucking sadistic fucking Vulcans and their fucking strength awww fuck how'd I explain this one to Bones, think I need him to prolapse my fucking bollock – fuuuuuck. _

It feels like an eternity that he lies there on the floor, unable to move, waiting for the pounding in his head and balls to subside at least a little. When it finally does – at least enough for him to move- he almost wishes it wouldn't as the guilt and wretchedness that trickle in to replace the pain and actually a hundred times worse. He hadn't thought it could be possible.

_What have I done – fucked it all up – Jesus what an arsehole – he had every right to be so mad – lost him I've lost him – god –_

The thought is so unexpectedly crushing that is almost knocks him down again and he has to hold on to the wall for support. He struggles on like a man wading through a nightmare –

_Lost, fucked it up, worthless, he said, nothing – and he was right, too fucking right – I am a useless fucking waste of space –_

When his walls fall down, as they so often do, little though anyone knows, and Jim loses the battle with self loathing he is always dragged under by it completely and he gives himself up to the undertow entirely, letting every memory that reaffirms his worthlessness crash around his head, all those words that informed his sense of self as a child –

_Worthless little piece of shit, you'll never amount to anything, pathetic little jerk, you useless cunt, worthless, never be anything but a failure, worthless piece of shit – _

Round and round in his head, all those voices that he struggles so hard every day to block out, and he normally succeeds so damn well that it just makes it worse in his dreams and in these moments, and this time there's a new thought to make it all worse –

_Pathetic whore, I'd rather love anyone but you – _

The pain in Spock's eyes. He was such a terrific jerk he could even hurt a Vulcan. How could he? He had known Spock cared about him, he wasn't that dense. This was more than just the best sex he'd ever had –

_Jim Kirk why are you such a loser you can't even admit when you give a crap about someone? Oh that's right, you're James Tiberius Kirk and there is nothing so good you can't fuck it up – shit, damn and my broken bollocks I _do _care, didn't want to really care, not about anyone – can't put myself at that sort of risk – especially not with some emotional wreck of a psychotic Vulcan – but – but -_

He stands still, in the middle of the courtyard –

_But I do. _

He is not sure if his whole world has just collapsed around him or if he has just collapsed in on himself. It doesn't matter, either way he feels like the air has all gone out of him.

_There was something here and you buggered it up before it even began, go you. _He thinks bitterly – _Something that just might have been the saving of your worthless ass, Jim Kirk you don't even begin to think do you? All the fights, the desperate fucking, that deep deep heat, the way it was almost electric when he touched you and the same when you touched him, all the times you knew what he was thinking and how the hell did _that _happen, huh? And you just didn't think did you? Too scared and too blind to see what you could have had – all you ever do is react to stuff like a stupid kid; he was right, you never think about other people, never dare to really care and now Spock is hurting like hell because of you, you've damaged the one thing that might have saved you from your useless self and now you might never get him back –_

It does not make him feel any better to realise that by now he is crying wretchedly.

_Spock I'm sorry –_ he thinks desperately, remembering that terrible, obvious, un Vulcan lie –

_I do not love you any more than you love me –_

But suddenly he feels the first struggling flicker of hope, so strong it almost makes him smile

– _Any more than you love me –_

And it is quite simply _terrifying. _He fights back the cold shakes, sets his jaw and starts in the direction of the officers quarters.

_x_

Spock storms back to his room, mentally abusing himself all the way –

_Illogical, over emotional wretched excuse for a Vulcan! He was right you _are _an evil sadistic creep, you're a monster that should be put down. All you cause is pain; the worst kind of bully, lashing straight out at anything that might touch your miserable excuse for a heart –_

_-Love me Vulcan? Like hell you do. _

It stung so badly, so harsh, so dismissive of all the feelings that were tearing him up so remorselessly – but then again , what was he supposed to think when he behaved like a rabid animal in the face of his own emotions. He really was a cold fucking bastard, alternately blazing fire and ice, no middle ground, no logic, to rationalism –

_Jim Kirk you have destroyed me –_

He groans inside, but he cannot really blame the human. Kirk was right, he _is _a hypocrite – and a rotten rotten liar. But how he wished that it was true and he did not love – if he could only be himself again –

But he was still lying. He did not _want _to be himself. Not anymore. He wanted to be what they were together – one whole functioning unit, a balance of logic and passion – _All we could accomplish together; _Fuck, how I have let myself down. I've lied to everyone, both of my selves the most, and to _him _to, because we both know there can be no real chance that this is over –

He thinks about that chance and shudders –

_How did you think it for one minute? That you would never touch him again? Never see those eyes looking at you like that? Never see that smile that makes you feel like you might actually be worth something – that makes you almost believe in miracles? What kind of existence would you have now if you just left all that behind? You think one broken version of you isn't enough?_

By the time he reaches his room he is shaking with wretchedness and self- disgust-

_Broken, I'm broken without him – I've fucked it up and now I might never get him back._

He sits just inside his room, heavily, back to the door, not knowing what to do about the fact that he has just started to cry.

_x_

Kirk arrives, terrified, outside Spock's room and is just about to knock when he hears the strangest sound. At first he cannot place it, but finally realises it is the awful sound of a Vulcan crying.

_I did that – _he thinks – _Me._

It is a horrible, hollow thought, leaving him too dejected to even curse himself –

_Can't interrupt. He'd hate to be seen like this, you are the worst kind of human. _

Inside Spock stiffens. Kirk is just outside the door. He knows. It seems he will always know what this man's proximity to him is and most precisely. He thinks all at once – _No, can't see me _and – _Yes. Have to tell him –_

_I'm sorry _Kirk thinks – _have to tell him –_

_-I'm sorry that I was a total –_

_bastard, who behaved like an idiot. I didn't think, did what I always do and just reacted, didn't want to –_

_- hurt you. I swear I never would not on –_

_Purpose, but I'm such a thoughtless cunt and I –_

_- Can't loose you, I just –_

_Can't loose you now I_

_-reacted, I was angry, didn't mean it, not any of it, got you in trouble then hurt you for being angry but I just felt –_

_So betrayed. But I betrayed you first. Sorry doesn't cover it Spock but –_

_-Sorry doesn't cover it Jim – I should tell you –_

_I should tell you – but I can't and please –_

_-Forgive me –_

_Please forgive me 'cause I just –_

_-Don't think I can do without you –_

Kirk feels a little like he has fainted, unsure quite how he came to be kneeling on the pavement, tears streaking his face, resting his forehead and one hand on the door, hoping against hope that Spock can somehow hear his every thought, wondering if those are the Vulcan's thoughts he can hear or just his own hopes of what Spock would say. A passer by goes –

"You okay there son?"

- and looks at him so oddly that he feels he has to pick himself up, nod affirmative and reluctantly walk away.

Inside Spock feels some kind of transmission breaking off – he is not sure of the extent of his mental powers – how much he really heard or just hoped he heard. He does not know how much he managed to convey. He is haphazard at best at communicating this way, without touch. He had pressed his forehead and hand hard against the door to try and push the thought. Then it occurs to him that it would be logical, rather than just sitting here wondering , just to open the door –

And he does, but Kirk is gone and all that remains is a knowledge that Spock does not know how he comes by –

_If that door had not been between us our fingers would have been touching. _

_x_

**Because foreshadowing is tropey but it fills me with such evil joy!**

**To explain a little – I am not sure whether or not Spock's telepathy can extend to someone on the other side of a door. There are a couple of times in tos when we see it definitely occur but on other occasions when it would have been useful they don't even try it. I do know that Spock's abilities are strong, even for a Vulcan but not sure at this stage of re-boot how honed those skills would be. So I'm going with a theory of maybe some level of ability but it's ambiguous. If anyone knows anything more substantial about this I welcome being better informed! **

**Also that went a little bit "Rent" for a minute and I apologise, with the whole "I should tell you…..but I won't or there won't be another couple of hours of film"….oh well. :-) **

**Tune in next chapter when there will be actual plot and new untold levels of angst!**


	4. Chapter 4

**Sadness, grief, death and more death….**

**4.**

When they meet the next morning neither is quite able to talk about the night before, in fact they barely get a chance to talk at all. There is an awareness that at least something got through, as they neither scream at each other nor freeze each other out. Kirk is still annoyed, Spock still apologetic and – when it really dawns on him that he has been reassigned – also angry, mostly with himself. When he sees Pike trying to keep Kirk quiet and he sees that Kirk has genuine concern here he _knows _that it is valid because he knows that look on his face – and so, when the explosion comes, he is more prepared than most.

Somehow he is pulling a dying man out of the rubble and making the end easier for him with a final exchange of thoughts –

_Anything left to impart you can give to me, let no thought go unuttered, I know I don't know you nearly enough but you can trust me in this –_

It always startles him, the intimacy of the meld, the invasion of somebody's deepest thoughts, especially at a moment like this. But the human mind leaps to pour itself into the nearest vessel and Spock allows the tide of free falling thought to run through him, however painful it may be-

-_don't want to de, not ready, but this is dying isn't it? Nothing to be done, scared, scared of the unknown, what I've left, haven't done enough, always tried to do the right thing, did I fail, did I –_

The unruly tumble of thought and memory, different colours and shapes, the rush of people, places and events, feelings, all of the great highs and lows, hope, despair, fear, love – that supposed life-before-your-eyes shared with a near stranger, the most recent deep feeling for another, one of pride and love –

_-for that idiot boy, if anyone could continue to do all I have tried to do – closest thing I ever had to a son –_

Respect, annoyance and hope, all of his own hopes transferring to the other man, pride and disappointment, but pride above all, a final vivid flash f recent memory that Spock hears as though Pike had spoken it aloud –

_If anyone deserves a second chance it's James Kirk. _

Then silence. A few numbing seconds in which it sinks in, Spock thinking _and you gave _that _thought to me! You could not even have known what it could mean. _But he does not have long to think because Kirk is there and his grief almost knocks the Vulcan down. Kirk has no reign on his emotions, he never has done, and Spock is both fascinated anew and pierced to the heart by the weight of Kirk's distress, the sound of his sobs –

And then Kirk is touching him and he can hear the roaring in his mind –

_Like a father to me, the only one who ever cared, this cannot be happening – no – Spock help me, need you, forgive me –_

Spock thinking fast, throwing as much from his mind as he can while his body indicates all the willingness to support that he can give –

_Here for you, always here for you Jim – he wasn't the only one, you are not alone and there is nothing to forgive –_

- telling him that last thought Pike gave him but giving it to him in his own voice as well as Pike's –

_If anyone deserves a second chance, it's James Kirk. _

_x_

He stands by every promise and is there for Kirk through all the events that follow. He does not even mind when Nyota drags Kirk into their argument since it is to him he really needs to say this to at least as much as her. He is less happy when she is suddenly kissing him again; could have gone his whole life without that ever occurring. But it hardly matters, throughout it all he knows that he and Kirk are back in the same place, even though every time Kirk touches him he can sense great waves of things still unsaid that Kirk wants to say but it is never quite the right time, until –

Until Scotty is speaking to him on the intercom –

"You need to get down here."

- and he knows that something is dreadfully wrong, just as wrong as it could be, knows that something has been left too late, rolling echoes of deep deep wrong in his head, the numbing ringing feeling in his ears, like last night all over again but magnified to a thousand times worse that thought–

_He's there, just behind the door._

"Open it."

"The decontamination's not complete it'd flood the whole compartment"

Spock's brain tuning out turning into a white static rushing _nononononononono – _running to the glass and his Jim, his beautiful captain broken beyond repair and nothing he can do –

"The ship?"

"Out of danger"

It is hard to speak but he cannot touch him to think and his thoughts will not work, mentally tongue tied he cannot transmit a thing. He can see the effort it costs Kirk even to speak and knows that anyone else – anyone less strong and stubborn – would be already dead. He knows too that there is still so much to say and nowhere near enough time to say it –

"I'm scared Spock – help me not to be –" echoes, always echoes in the mind – lying side by side, how he had said those same words himself that second night together when he realised he might love him, remembering how it felt to ease the fear in the touch and taste of him and the Vulcan who never wants anyone to touch him is breaking for not being able to reach through the glass.

"How do you choose not to feel?" He wonders that he has ever been able to, wishes there was something better he could say but his tongue feels like lead and glue –

"I do not know. Right now I am failing".

He wishes he could better express what his feelings are but the words simply do not exist. He feels betrayed by his own tears, selfish even – _didn't want you to see me like this, last night, least of all now – _and he is slipping, they are both slipping, fingers on glass reaching for the dream, so close to kissing, Kirk's words more laboured than ever –

"Need you to know – why I had to go back for you –"

It is breaking Spock's heart to know that this is the most important thing to him right now and he wishes he would not struggle so hard. Just wants him to know that it's all okay even if it isn't – but his answer is barely adequate and the blue eyes yell frustration and beg for more time because there is so much more to say and then –

Nothing.

Nothing more. Those eyes are close _and they will never look at me again, never sparkle with such passion and life, never smile at me again that smile that made me feel like I might have been someone. All the light has gone and I am in darkness now and the rushing in the head breaking the brain, the roaring and the noise, sound and fury and the darkness and a voice roaring a name from far far away and the darkness is all that I am now the light has gone out –_

_The light has gone out and any heat in the world and I am falling_

_Falling through the dark._

_x_

**So, I'm not wholly happy with this chapter. Didn't really want to do yet another rewrite of that scene but I need it for the rest of the story….hope it wasn't the worst. Tune in next instalment for bone crushing angst and semi- broken Spock :-( (**


	5. Chapter 5

**In which there is lots of angst and rage and grief. It's not a happy time kids, I'm sorry. **

It feels like he will never stop falling, somebody trying to touch him on the shoulder, trying to reach out to him but _nobody can reach me here – _lashing out and throwing whoever it was aside – a girl _a girl I once knew oh so concerned for me, so grieved for him, did I hurt her doesn't matter –_

Nothing matters, only the darkness that pounds and screams, demanding a victim. Nothing penetrates and thankfully nobody tries to stop him, hearing people's voices without knowing who they come from, not knowing or caring who any of these people are. A voice saying to him "Go get him" and it is probably the best thing she has ever said – not that he needs telling –

And he is gone, charging down the creature who took his life away, not caring entirely which of them dies but knowing only that one of the has to – breaking his knuckles on Khan's face and not even feeling a thing. It doesn't matter, he neither intends nor expects to feel a thing again, unsure even if he could. He is broken anyway and as he pounds Khan down he drives all the pain and brokenness outwards, sending it into the creature like knives and broken glass _this is what I am now, this is what you have left me killhurtkillkillkill – _he hopes it breaks him, breaks him to pieces and that every piece is the screaming white agony he feels. He is screaming aloud, barely hearing the sound, aware only that his throat is all but ripping with it in a blinding, deafening torrent of pain and he cannot hurt Khan enough, breaking his arm, hearing the crunch of bone – still not enough, there is no satisfaction to be had, ripping off the side of the ship to slam it into his face over and over and Khan could kill him – might even still manage but he barely cares and suddenly he is being helped but he doesn't want it, wanting only to kill or be killed – ideally even both and he keeps on pounding Khan in the face with a voice like a mosquito buzzing nearby irritating and meaningless until he hears the one word "…Kirk". It penetrates the blackness a little and he winds the buzzing sound back –

"Spock we need him! He's our only chance to save Kirk!"

It is a pinprick of light in the darkness – a chance. He can hardly make sense of the concept – but it is _something. _Something more than this terrible nothingness. Something to bring him back to the world. Even so he knocks Khan out with one final roar before turning to Uhura for an explanation.

_x_

Things are unclear to Spock at first. They beam up and the doctor is there instantly, extracting Khan's blood all in a blur to Spock – before they shove the filthy thing into a cryotube. Spock follows the doctor haplessly to the med bay, where the body is laid out on an operating table.

The body.

That strange, shimmering flash that is hope barely seems to matter. The Captain is lying there dead and Spock cannot stop staring at what is left. He is aware on some remote, ice cold level that Kirk no longer resides there but it does not really compute. This is a body he had loved, in every possible way. He reaches out to touch it, unable to help himself, and nearly doubles over with pain to feel nothing inside, no return thoughts. Nothing. He is unsure anymore if he actually screams aloud. Either way the doctor is moving him aside and he can feel this person – his friend, he is dimly aware – simultaneously panicking and working in overdrive, almost shouting as he gets everyone out of the way –

"I said everyone – Spock, that means you!"

Spock looks at him, helplessly, struggling to comprehend words. It is the first time he has looked at anyone since the light went out of blue eyes. The doctor's eyes are dark with concern and warm with the strength of his feelings. Spock suddenly feels horribly aware of the fact that he might cry and the doctor will notice.

"Doctor – please -" he says, barely audibly, but he dredges the words up with effort, each one a dragging weight – "You – will. Be. Able – to save me?"

Each word is hard to utter and he realises he has still somehow said it wrong as the doctor looks at him both confused and with sudden understanding dawning in his eyes all at once. Spock replays what he said and realises that he has made a terrible slip that thankfully only McCoy has heard –

"Him." He remedies – "Save – him".

When he looks back up he sees the brown eyes brimming with tears and realises that the doctor has not been allowing himself to cry either. McCoy touches his shoulder gently –

"I'll do everything I can Spock" he says, so gently and with such deep sympathy that Spock can hardly bear it – "Everything".

Spock nods and pulls himself away, holding on to McCoy for support as he turns round – support he barely has to give but gives anyway because that is his nature –

"Thank you doctor" Spock says, hollowly, though he means it deeply.

"I'll let you know as soon as there's anything" McCoy pats him on the shoulder and turns back to his patient as Spock leaves, walking like a dead man as he tries to find the way to his room.

_x_

The ship that should have been so familiar feels like a maze to him. A maze in which he has become hopelessly lost. The walls and floor tilt at crazy angles and he is unsure of his ability to walk or even to keep balance. How is it that the removal from his life of the one thing that so hugely damaged his capacity for reason has now ripped it from him completely?

He does not know how he even reaches his room, but he does. It is the greatest relief almost that he could feel. Closing the door behind him with shaking, swollen hands, sitting down on the side of the bed while the shivering overtakes him. The room seems so bright, almost painful, jarring with the darkness he is in. It feels strange to have such awareness – albeit crooked – of everything when half of him is dead and feeling nothing. Dead. The word has a hollow, clunking sound like nails on wood. He watches his hands shake disjointedly, they could be someone else's hands. His eyes shift to the floor sightlessly, floor, walls, edges, corners all a vast landscape in which he is lost, shoes by the door and a yellow shirt by the bed.

He frowns and picks it off the floor. Has it really only been a few days? And it seemed like so very long ago that time ceased to have any meaning at all. He strokes the shirt almost desperately, twisting it through his fingers, remembering against his will –

_He dragged it off almost as soon as they fell through the door half fighting, half laughing –_

"_Damn you no! This one's staying in one piece!" _

_Kirk suddenly half naked, causing him to growl softly, half in objection to not being able to rip his clothes off, half in anticipation._

"_Seriously – do you know how many shirts we've got through this week "_

He can hear Kirk's voice in here like he was still here, feel him like he is still touching him. Spock shuts his eyes to try and shut out the images that keep pouring in but it only seems to make it worse; a deluge of visuals and sounds, remembered sensations, the near painful delight of the feel of him, so alive and warm and soft, making the Vulcan feel all of those things himself, like he has never felt them before. Those eyes, the never – ending swirl of passions, in turn sparkling and bright and dark and blazing with lust or anger, or half closed in ecstasy – all that vibrancy that affects him and changes him, begins indeed to define him as he had been told it would.

Spock has curled up on his bed in a tiny tense ball, wrapped around the Captain's shirt, inhaling deeply the scent of him that still remains, even though it hurts, because after all the numbness the hurt is almost better. The hurt reminds him that there is some kind of hope, though he hardly dares yet truly acknowledge it. It is hard to breathe and it feels like his chest might explode, his heart breaking, drowning in the tears he does not shed. He wonders how he could ever move from here but when the intercom rings he is at it in less than a second. When he opens his mouth to speak initially no sound comes out. Then McCoy's voice –

"Spock? Spock - you there?"

He makes a neutral, choked noise, not quite sure how to answer that question, but it seems to be enough for the doctor.

"Spock get down here –" he can hear such relief in McCoy's voice that he is able to halfway breathe again - "He's alive."

_x_

**It starts getting happier in the next chapter I promise! It's still angsty but not quite this angsty!**


	6. Chapter 6

**In which Bones nearly hugs Spock and Uhura emphatically doesn't. **

He is back in med bay within the minute. When he does not initially see anyone he almost panics, then he sees that Kirk has been moved to a proper bed and the doctor appears at his side. He is glad of it, needing the assistance offered to guide him to the bedside. If he could not feel Kirk's living force, feeble but very much there, he would have scarcely believed it. He thinks his legs may give out but a chair has appeared beneath him. He does not look at the doctor – he could not look away now – but he is grateful.

For a moment he just breathes, loving that he can, that he has been given his life back. He reaches out a tentative hand, shuddering to remember the last time. Resting trembling fingers on Kirk's chest and the incredible, over powering loveliness of feeling his heart beat and he can hear the low whisper that is his thoughts back in this world if still too far away to hear clearly. A mighty hitch leaps in his throat like there is a small animal in there and he thinks for a second that he might be sick but to his mingled horror and relief he starts to cry. Wonderful, racking sobs that shake him uncontrollably but that he at least manages to silence even though they inwardly deafen him.

He feels the doctor's hand on his shoulder, feels his understanding, hears him thinking –

_If he wasn't a Vulcan I'd hug him right no._

Spock turns to look at him, letting him know that he is better than he was before. They both know that words are insufficient and so McCoy tolerates that he says merely "Thank you". The doctor squeezes his shoulder.

"I'll see your hands now"

Spock frowns –

"I am fine"

"That's the biggest lie I ever heard. Gimme your hands. I can _see _them you know."

"Really –" Spock tries, but the doctor is relentless –

"He'll be out of that coma in a week or two. Trust me, you're gonna want the proper use of your hands back". The doctor almost sort of smirks and Spock submits.

_x_

In the hours and eventually days that follow Spock is hard pressed to leave The Captain's side. When he is transferred to the hospital on Earth Spock follows the doctor like a shadow, as McCoy is also loathe to stray far from his comatose friend. Almost all attempts to make Spock take time to himself fail. After being faced with the possibility of a future in which all his time is for himself only, without Jim by his side it seems a chilling, horrifying prospect. Unbearable though it is to hear the low purring of Kirk's thoughts and not be able to communicate through them it is enough to hold him together for now just to hear his heart beat and hold the hand he could not reach when he needed to.

Even so it is only with the help of three people that Spock makes it through the week without doing himself great mental or physical injury.

The first person, strangely, is Uhura, in the first and possibly last time she will ever really help him. The first time he sees her she has come mainly to see Kirk. When she leaves she asks him to come with her but she has no power to make him leave and he shakes his head at her helplessly until she goes away. Each time she comes back it goes very much the same way.

A few days later she comes in and Spock sees a different look in the set of her face; something she has been working through that is now decided. She sits down next to him, not even trying to look at him anymore and so he knows that this time she has come to see him.

"We need to talk" she says. There is nowhere for Spock's heart to sink to but he has acquired a pavlovian horror of those words.

"I do not think now is the time" he says quietly, his eyes never leaving the Captain's face.

"Spock" she sighs "I suspect it never will be. Not for us. Not anymore"

Finally he looks up at her, questioningly, he can see her struggling to find the right words. She puts a hand on his arm and he can hear her think so sadly –

_-God I don't want to hurt him not now of all times I just want it to help – am I a bitch for being sad that this will help him? Just don't want to hurt –_

He has never shared a thought with her before and now that he does it is a bleak one, less comforting in retrospect than he means it to be –

_You cannot._

He feels her hurt at what this means – _You do not have that pull on me, you never did. _But she swallows it back, removing her hand. She nods –

"You and me, it was never going to be – " she makes a gesture indicating her ironically woeful attempt at communications in this instance – "- was it?"

He shakes his head –

"Nyota I am sorry"

She glances between him and Kirk –

"How long have you been –" He frowns at this but cannot argue with it.

"How did you know?"

"Spock –" she smiles, half sadly, half amused – "I'm not stupid. You know that – I was top of your class – also you're still holding his hand."

Spock looks down, registers the fact and does not change it.

"Were you – genuine in the desire that I answer your previous question?"

She thinks about it a moment, biting her lip when she realises what the fact of his even asking this question must mean –

"No" she says finally "I suppose – some things just aren't meant to be – some things always were. I can see that. I can't be mad Spock and you don't have to avoid me. Just do one thing for me?"

He looks at her questioningly –

"Do not fail to make this work"

She gets up to go, gesturing him and Kirk as she does so. Spock frowns, realising she has both released him and reminded him of what he needed to do anyway.

"Nyota –" he calls, in a voice more raised, more hopeful than he has felt for days – "Thank you" he says, softly and sincerely. She smiles –

"Bye Spock" – and goes. He feels closer to fixed, with her gone, than he has in a long while.

_x_

**So here's the thing – obviously I've been looking forward to splitting up Spock and Uhura for a while but when it came down to it I also didn't want to make Uhura the bad guy. Yeah she's really annoying as Spock's girlfriend but she is also – I deeply hope – going to grow into the amazing Uhura that we know from the original series. So I wanted them to split up in a way that meant she would grow up and they would still get on – also this seemed like the most likely reason. I had to debate this for ages but I think it works! **

**In the next instalment Spock gets and ear bashing from Spock Prime and his life saved by Bones, many many times. **


	7. Chapter 7

**In which things continue to get better.**

The second person to help fix Spock is himself – his other self. Not long after their return to Earth Spock prime calls in to find out what has occurred, knowing from his own experience that they cannot have got out of an encounter with Khan too lightly. On hearing the basics he talks with McCoy from a screen in the corner of Kirk's hospital room. Spock listens to them discuss medical details for at least half an hour. He is struck by the near panic at first in Spock's voice which turns into the extreme concern that only another Vulcan could recognise as being so.

_Not just another Vulcan – _he reminds himself – _That's me. That's what I sound like_

_when I'm panicking. McCoy is right – I sound like I could not care less. Spock you're _

_a – _he searches for the right word and discovers a small internalised Kirk voice that he

has always carried around with him and almost enjoys calling himself a _total jerk._ He remembers when internalising Kirk had been an annoyance at best but it now feels extremely comforting.

He does not listen to the words but he hears the warmth in Spock's voice as he talks to McCoy. The warmth of a friendship that will never be expressed in a sentimental manner but always hiding itself under laughing insult. It is love all the same.

Eventually his counterpart calls him gently –

"Spock are you there?"

It is hard for him to move, to leave Jim's side for any length of time. So much of him fears that if he lets go of his hand he will never take it up again – that one of them will slip away. But he goes over to the screen and McCoy gives him his seat, trading places with him.

"Mr Spock" he says, not knowing what else to say. Thankfully Spock prime senses his predicament –

"I understand Mr Spock – words are not always easy or sufficient. The doctor has informed me of the situation – believe me I understand –"

Nobody has attempted to say this to him yet and, not knowing how to respond he answers foolishly –

"I do not see how you could"

His counterpart gives him that long hard look he knows well enough – he has used it himself often enough to signify as Kirk would doubtless say – _bitch, please. _

"I would rather I had died" Spock confesses softly, to make up for his mistake – "I – could have lost – I _did _lose him – I do not know what I would have done –"

Older Spock looks at him steadily –

"I do" he says – "I lost my Jim almost a century ago –" Spock can hear in his voice how hard it is to speak of it – "Believe me, in all that time, the only hope I have been given is seeing the two of you – If he had died you would have ended up like me – indeed worse. This is not what I would wish for you. You have had no time – the doctor tells me you have not even –"

He pauses and Spock cuts in quite angrily –

"Do you think I do not know that? There is so much to fix, so much I need to make work – you are not the first person this week to tell me this –"

Spock looks at him querying –

"Lieutenant Uhura –" Spock explains – "We are – we _were- " _he struggles to find the right word, but his counterpart comprehends and raises his eyebrow considerably –

"Then there is more to fix than I thought" he says – "Spock, I wasted too much time. We both did. In the end none of the things that kept us apart had any meaning. Human life is too short anyway, my Jim's –" he stops, struggling, Spock can see him pull himself together with effort to continue – "All that mattered was the time we had and those years are all that has sustained me ever since. You have the chance for so much more – do not let go of this chance."

"I shall not"

Spock nods and Spock reads the nod correctly as "Damn right you won't"

"May I ask –" Spock says, tentatively – and more flippant than he has been in weeks – "What has occurred regarding your policy of non – interference?"

Spock Prime almost smiles –

"I considered it – illogical in this instance"

"That's Vulcan for stick it up your ass Spock!" McCoy calls from across the room. Both Spock's turn to look at him –

"Thank you for that analysis Doctor" they reply.

"Christ" mutters Bones – "Now I'm getting it in goddamn stereo!"

_x_

Most important of all in getting Spock through the fortnight is doctor McCoy. He is there constantly, initially just for Kirk but he soon comes to realise that in taking care of his friend he is doing the same for Spock. In the first few days he treats him for shock in spite of all Spock's protestations that he should be focussing solely on Kirk –

"Damnit Spock there's no difference!" he breaks eventually – "You two clearly come as a package and it's my job to take care of the whole parcel!"

Spock is embarrassed by how obvious this has become to the doctor, but also relieved that he no longer has to hide it.

Throughout his near constant vigil at Kirk's bedside it is McCoy who ensures he occasionally eats, drinks and even sleeps, though he has to give him insidious hypos to ensure latter, Spock often dropping off in his chair, his head falling on Kirk's shoulder, his hand still in his. Now and again McCoy suggests he change his clothes or sleep in a bed, Spock replying every time –

"I cannot leave him doctor"

McCoy sees how pained he is at the very thought, how lost his eyes look at the thought of even being in another room – and he does not press the questions, just re – asks them ever day and occasionally brings in changes of clothes. He never asks Spock about the feelings that are so clearly visible in his eyes, he does not need to – and Spock is grateful. He even comes to not mind the doctor occasionally patting him on the shoulder in a manner that is comforting, doctorly and friendly. He can feel the sadness that McCoy is feeling too and loves him a little for it. When he says his habitual –

"I cannot leave him" for the tenth time one day McCoy bursts out –

"Damnit Spock! Call me Bones!" he scowls, frowning and then mumbling – "I'm starting to miss it". It occurs to Spock that only Kirk ever called him that and understands the doctor's frustration – it is the same for him – that the things he misses the most are all the little things. Even so he cannot stop calling him "Doctor" – anything else just will not come out of his mouth.

Two weeks later McCoy brings word that they all have to appear at a meeting to clarify events that will lead to the secure containment of the seventy two cryotubes. Spock does not want to go and says as much.

"Damnit Spock, neither do I!" snaps Bones – "But we have to at least make an appearance – I've cleared it that I can leave at any time due to my responsibilities –" he indicates Kirk. Spock half glares at him for having that opportunity and Bones rolls his eyes – "I've cleared the same entitlement for my other primary patient –" Spock frowns at him and the doctor sighs, exasperated – "That's you Spock, you pointy eared idiot! You could at least thank me!"

Spock feels himself almost smile for the first time since he can remember –

"Thank you –" he says – "Bones".

It sounds so awkward that they both grimace –

"Yeah –" says Bones – "Maybe not."

_x_

Sitting in the meeting reminds Spock of how much he has lost the ability to interact with people in the last two weeks. It had not even occurred to him that McCoy had had to register him as a patient to allow him to spend so much time at the hospital without anyone questioning it. The fact that it had not occurred to him, he supposes, is proof enough of how badly he really has been coping. He struggles to really hear what is being said and when he does tune in on the recap of events it feels like they are talking about people he has never heard of. He is pathetically glad that Bones is there to steady him with his presence and a hand on his arm when he really starts to lose focus.

All of a sudden everything changes. Like he has just woken up the clouds in his head are cut through with light and everything looks real again. A consciousness, a voice so clear it stops the whole world being blurred, making him jerk upright so hard the doctor looks at him in concern. That voice, suddenly, inexplicably in his head –

_Spock!_

_Spock where are you?_

_How'd I get here – on the floor? Can feel you just the other side of the glass – Spock please don't cry – no – _

It is as though a transmission that was sent two weeks ago is finally getting through. He can sense such confusion as the consciousness focuses –

_No no that's not it, yes you are my friend but it's so much more than that – Spock I'm scared – Spock please don't let me leave without telling you this one thing – I –_

The scrambled thoughts coming together into a pinpoint of light –

_Falling, darkness breaking, falling back to Earth, need you – need you – be there to catch me –_

Spock leaps to his feet, clutching the doctor's arm, eyes wild, breathing fast, all that new life, new awareness rushing back –

"Doctor –" he says, breathless – "We need to get back –"

_He is coming – _he thinks loudly and McCoy's eyes widen in complete belief as he senses Spock's excitement, sincerity and rush of joy –

_He is coming back. _

_x_

**Yaaay! Kirk back! Things getting Spirky again in the next section!**


	8. Chapter 8

**Just a quick note to say a huge THANK YOU to all my lovely reviewers! I love being given suggestions for where to go in later fics and will doubtless use many of them! You guys really keep me writing and writing keeps me alive! I love you all!**

**In which there is so much happiness it almost becomes fluffy. **

It is all Spock can do to let McCoy be first through the door. It is only because he knows that McCoy can be of more practical immediate help that he does not just push straight past him. But when he sees Kirk half sat up and blinking he is glad he hung back. He is not sure he could have made words for the rush of air and life that feels like it is re-entering his body on seeing those blue eyes open and squinting like it's first thing in the morning and he has only just woken up – he realises with a shock how little he had really let himself dare to hope he would ever see that again. He hears his voice and it is so wonderful he does not actually catch the words. He hears McCoy tease –

"You were barely dead –"

They talk a little more and then Spock becomes aware of a pause and realises slowly – _oh, that's my cue – _and he comes forward and Kirk is looking right at him and his smile has never seemed more beautiful, it catches at Spock's heart and he cannot help but think –

_Oh! I thought of that smile soften and yet I still forgot –_

It is hard not to just go to him, take his hand like he has been holding it all this time, but it is as though he too has returned to himself, so much logic and reason returning to him all at once and he just soaks in that smile for a while, letting the doctor do most of the talking. Eventually McCoy retires to a discreet distance and Kirk turns those shining eyes back to Spock.

"Spock -" he says, and there is so much warmth in his voice that it melts the last of the ice that has been lodged in his heart. He rediscovers the ability to walk and goes to the chair by the bed that has been practically his home for the last two weeks. Strange that there was so much he wanted to say all that time but now he can hardly speak, but it barely matters, just looking at him and seeing him looking back is enough. Kirk flexes his fingers, frowning at the sensation of movement, he feels it like a newborn again and makes a small pouting noise, his eyes pleading Spock to understand. He is even now too stubborn to ask aloud for what he wants – _Good then, _Spock thinks – _he is still himself. _He reaches his hand out tentatively and knows that it is right because Kirk clutches at it like a child. He is mortified to feel his hand shaking as Kirk's fingers entwine with his –

_You okay there Spock?_

That voice! Back in his head – it

_- feels like being whole again. _He can feel Kirk's thoughts glowing, such shimmering delicate thoughts, pulsing with new life, and he reaches his mind out to caress and enfold those shimmering colours. Their thoughts swirl together, not in words but soft caressing colours, threads that entangle fiercely and tenderly, so that they can never be broken again – desperately twisting together, needy and reaching, two halves wanting to become whole, the minds seeking a bond without the owners consent, just doing what comes naturally in this unguarded moment –

_Never letting you go again._

_- Did you think that or did I? _

_-Either way it is that same._

_- Never let me go, never stop touching me, never –_

"You two just gonna sit there in silence all day?"

The bond pauses, not yet fully formed – _for now – _and they turn a little guiltily; they had almost forgotten about McCoy, but are aware that probably neither of them would be here without him. Kirk grins –

"I didn't hear any silence – did you Spock?"

Spock half smiles, realising how strange it must look to McCoy.

"Strange –" Spock says, ponderingly, slowly.

"What's strange Spock?"

It occurs to Spock that Kirk keeps saying his name, as if to reaffirm to himself that he is there –

_Yes _Kirk agrees _it reminds me we are both here, it gives me – emotional security. _

Spock smiles faintly –

"Jim – you are possibly one of the least logical people I have ever met, only excepting the good doctor here –"

"Gee thanks Spock" mutters Bones.

"Yeah Spock –" Grins Kirk – "You really missed insulting me huh?"

"If you _would _ let me finish Captain, I was going to say how strange it seems that the presence of one so illogical can restore to me so much of my own sense and reason. It was in fact a compliment."

Kirk frowns – "It needed restoring? You famous Vulcan reason?"

"Oh you have no idea" chimes in Bones. Spock glares at him, willing him not to tell Kirk about his constant bedside vigil. Bones does not.

"Jim –" Spock says gently – "You are not the only one who has come back to life."

Kirk smiles warmly; it turns into a beam of delight –

"Spock! Are you being _sentimental?"_

Spock bites his lip and takes on a slightly greener tint than usual, that Kirk recognises as a blush.

"Is it likely?" he counters, with typical Vulcan evasiveness.

"Well I guess I'd be offended if you could live without me".

Spock winces, closing his eyes in pain, thinking how close he came to having to –

"Jim – do not –" he starts, but Kirk realises his mistake, senses Spock's pain and squeezes his hand.

"I'm sorry Spock" he says softly, running what he hopes is a gentle, comforting finger across Spock's palm. It is not. Spock hisses in a sharp intake of breath – arousal – it is too much too soon and he pulls away quickly. Kirks eyes flash with concern, then sadness at the break in contact, then remembrance and finally he smiles –

"I forgot –" he grins, eyes darkening at the memory – "Vulcan hands –"

"Indeed" says Spock.

"I think there's a lot you're gonna have to remind me of. In the meantime Spock –"

"Yes Captain?"

"Never let go of my hand?"

"Good god!" Bones explodes at last – "Pass me a bucket! I think I liked it better when you were quiet!"

Kirk frowns and Spock takes his hand again.

"He knows" he says, simply.

Kirk smiles, feeling like he has woken to find his whole life has slotted into place, and with that feeling of deep comfort comes one of sleepiness. He yawns-

"I need to sleep"

"Pfft" snorts Bones "You've been asleep for two weeks!"

Kirk ignores him and strokes Spock's hand, on purpose this time – _Spock, kiss me. _

Spock raises an eyebrow, but could hardly deny Kirk anything, especially not now. He leans over to kiss him, heart pounding so fiercely he wonders he does not explode. It is the softest of kisses, just to the side of the beautiful mouth, and he still fears it might hurt him –

_I'm not so fragile Spock, I won't break._

_But you did break _he thinks, achingly _never again –_

"O dear lord!" howls Bones, glancing over – "That was not what I meant by quiet! On second thoughts Jim, do go to sleep! – and you too Spock – in a bed this time!"

And for the first time in all this long while Spock takes the doctor's advice. He even finds, after a little while, that he is finally able to sleep again.

_x_

It is a couple of days before Kirk is able to get out of bed, and even then Spock and Bones both have to catch him as his legs refuse to co-operate.

"Knew you gentlemen made me weak at the knees" he quips.

Once the recuperation period gets going however Kirk's progress is remarkably rapid, a combination of his new super – blood and his old tenacity. Spock frequently comes in to find him yelling at his legs rather than submit to ever using the wheelchair McCoy has brought in. Repeated pleas from both Spock and the doctor that he take it slowly have no effect – but they had hardly really thought that they would.

Spock can see how much Kirk is revelling in his new found existence – and as his progress continues – in his new found strength. At the same time there is a neediness that was not there before – a unwillingness for Spock to ever be too far away. At the same time he refuses to really discuss this or anything from before until one day, during chess, he breaks a friendly silence to say –

"Spock – before –" he struggles, not wanting to say "Before I died", Spock nods to indicate that he does not need to –

"We argued –" Kirk says, eyes downcast – "badly. You said –"

"Jim please, do not remind me of the things I said then, little of it was true and none of it relevant."

"Is that Vulcan for You didn't mean it?"

"It is"

"That's all I wanted to know". He grins. A moment later though he adds –

"You kicked me in the balls."

"Yes"

"It really fucking hurt"

"What do you want me to say Jim?" Spock sighs – That I will never hurt you again? I wish I could but –" he touches Kirk's hand gently, rather than fumble with the words –

_-But I love you too much to promise that – you affect me too much._

_I'll take it Spock. I'd take anything over the cold dark place where I was lost without you –_

Spock clasps his wrist in a Vulcan embrace –

_I went there too._

Kirk nods.

"We're good then?" he breathes a sigh of relief, a weight lifting.

"We are Jim – du heh nash-veh kwon sum ashayam"

- _You and me always, beloved. _

_x_

"Give up Spock?"

"Unlikely Jim"

"I'll fuckin' take you"

"In the vernacular – the hell you will"

McCoy walks in just as Spock slams Kirk's arm into the table – they sit across it eyes locked, burning at each other, breathing heavily. McCoy rolls his eyes –

"Get a room!" he groans, not for the first time.

"Well gee we would Bones if some nice doctor would just sign me the hell out of here!"

"That's why I'm here Jim, I've arranged shore leave for both of you. The good old fashioned sea – air cure – doctor's orders."

"That is hardly a validated medical restorative doctor"

"Shut up Spock or I'll retract the offer!"

"Seriously Bones I so don't need to be here any more!" Kirk moans – "I'm fine! I'm better than fine! I'm so strong now I can hold out for ten seconds in an arm wrestle with Spock! Look –"

"Jim I beg you not to demonstrate. Each time the two of you do that I wonder where it's gonna lead –"

"It's not gonna lead anywhere if my doctor doesn't stop banning me from all strenuous activity" grumbles Kirk.

"Right well the ban is off if you both just take two weeks shore leave. Sulu's family has a beach house in Monteray Bay. I'm sending you there for two weeks and that's that"

"Yeah but – then where's Sulu spending shore leave?"

"Their other beach house in England"

"Well god damn how many houses do they have?"

"I heard seven at last count, and he's commissioning one in Russia as we speak. _Anyway –"_

"Doctor – do I gather that you are – sending us – to the _seaside?" _Spock interrupts, slowly grasping the concept and frowning.

"You're damn straight I am Spock -"

Spock frowns at the expression and opens his mouth to object –

_It's an expression Spock _Kirk rolls his eyes at him mentally – _I'll explain later!_

"Two weeks undisturbed recuperation god damn it! Spock, as you're also technically my patient that's an order!"

"Undisturbed?" Kirk grins.

"Unless you feel you need time to yourself Jim?" McCoy asks, perfectly seriously. Kirk looks at Spock and smiles, his eyes a little misty –

"It will be" he says softly, which translates both to Spock and McCoy as _myself is with him, always._

Bones rolls his eyes –

"Yeah I figured" he says – "I'm a doctor not a magician – I can't separate the inseparable."

"Cool" Kirk beams – "Okay, I'll take that"

"Just do me one favour okay?" says Bones.

"Sure"

"Any "Strenuous activities" that may occur? I don't need to know, okay?"

"Okay Bones"

"Spock?"

"As you say doctor"

"Thank god. Now get ready to beam down."

_x_

**Yeah, I know, things are going really mushy – but after all the angst I kind of had to for my own sanity! It gets even mushier next chapter but after that we actually get to the sex (cannot believe it has taken me this long!)**

**Also I think I quoted tos maybe twice in this chapter I'm not sure if that's kind of cheating or good I just love so much that lines like the "Emotional security" one really happened – I had to steal! :- ) **

**And yeah…I really am sending them to the seaside…Blame Bones :- )**


	9. Chapter 9

**Some deep, fluff, feels and ice cream!**

They beam down in the late afternoon onto a sandy stretch of the beach. The lowering sun sparkles on the sea, casting a golden glow on everything, rocks and sand and foam. Kirk blinks in the light and the sun catches in his eyes which catch at Spock's heart, making him blink himself. He is aware on a somewhat distant level that the place is beautiful but it is eclipsed almost completely by the young man at his side. He was made for sunlight, this one, his eyes sparkling, hair and skin shining gold in the soft light and when he smiles Spock could hardly care where they were if only he could kiss him.

"Wow –" Kirk grins, stretching out his arms to feel the breeze and breathing deeply the scents of sand, salt, rock, water – "Is outside always this good?" So long gone, so long in the hospital – he has almost forgotten. Spock feels a little star struck watching him – _you are the sun I orbit, the air I breathe – _and all he manages to say is –

"Not often."

Kirk squints at him in the sunlight, trying to determine whether he is happy or sad, something he normally finds surprisingly easy to do. Then he squints past him distracted –

"Oh my god – ice cream!" he runs towards it like an excitable puppy; Spock follows.

Ten minutes later they walk back up the beach, Kirk enthusing about the amazingness of ice cream, Spock finding it frankly adorable and after all he cannot blame him after spending so long on a drip feed and then tasteless hospital food.

"Seriously Spock – it's too bad you don't eat ice cream 'cause this shit is the best!" he beams. Spock is slightly distracted by the smudge of chocolate on his lower lip.

"I have this – frozen alternative you recommended" he protests, indicating his fruit sorbet and licking it tentatively. He looks up to see Kirk watching him, with merriment dancing in his eyes. He laughs at Spock's concentrated expression –

"You're like a cat with a bowl of milk" he chuckles.

"It is – not disagreeable" States Spock.

"Is that the Vulcan for _really yummy?_" Kirk grins, and then not waiting for a reply – "Oh my god food is amazing! Also was the sky always this blue?"

Spock looks at him affectionately, not sure if he is required to answer the rattle of Kirk's thoughts –

"I'm going too fast aren't I?" Kirk sighs, not unhappily – "It's just everything's so – so _here _and – so am I"

"I understand, Jim" Spock says simply, and he does.

They walk down towards the sea where Kirk takes off his shoes to wiggle his toes in the sand. Spock's heart hurts with how much he loves him, so many things he wants to say – _thought I might never see you again let alone see you so very alive. You are more alive than anyone I have ever known, please never leave me again – _But Kirk is enjoying all the basic sensations of life so much it would be rude to interrupt that with serious thoughts right now. He looks down at his toes in a contemplating manner.

"I don't think –" he starts, musing and sounding halfway serious – "I like my feet" he finishes, and they walk on, Kirk skirting the edge of the waves, playing with them almost –

"If you could change any body part what would it be?" he asks, randomly curious.

"It is illogical to want to change something superficial merely for the sake of appearance" he replies like the perfect Vulcan.

"Yeah, but ignoring that, I'd have nicer feet, you?"

"Captain, there is nothing wrong with your feet – my eyes then."

Kirk stops and turns to look Spock in the face, his forehead scrunching up in that adorable frown –

"Why on earth?" he splutters, taking hold of Spock's hand impulsively so as not to have to say out loud –

_You have beautiful eyes! _And because he is mentally as well as verbally incontinent he continues – _I love your eyes! I am afraid to look at them too much I'm afraid I might love you too much, I –_

"Jim?" Spock starts, wondering if he heard right.

"Spock?"

"What?"

"What – what?"

"What did you say?"

"Huh?"

"You indicated –" Spock's heart is racing, at the concept – _you never said before –_

"Oh I –" _Yes, my whole life I never said that to anyone, I laughed if they said it to me – _but suddenly it is so very simple –

"Yes, I love you."

_How did this take me so long? I thought you knew – those eyes so wide, so human in surprise – you _didn't _know! I'm such an idiot! How could I have been scared of this? –_

And Spock feels like he might stop breathing, like this is surely one of those recurring dreams – _I never thought I'd really hear you say – _he squeezes Kirk's hand to assure himself that it _is _real, tries to speak, fails, tries again –

"Jim –" He says, trying to say it all in just that one word and Kirk steps in towards him, taking his other hand and he is thinking _never change your eyes, I could live there forever, I look into them and think I might see my future- _and Spock takes his arms to pull him close and mend that ache in his heart forever, curling a tender, possessive hand around the back of his neck as their lips crash together like the waves and he tastes of air and salt and life and they have never kissed so fiercely and so completely, Kirk grasping at him desperately and Spock touching him everywhere he can reach, basking in the feel and closeness of him – only pulling back eventually to breathe –

"Jim – please –" he is not sure he has ever said please to any human and meant it and he hopes that Kirk knows what he means – that he needs him too badly to better form words. Kirk just reaches, grasping and needing –

"Spock touch me, never stop touching me –"

They kiss again and it has been so long, far too long since they have touched like this – if they ever have touched quite like this – Spock is hard as hell and can feel kirk just as hard against him and he knows completely now what it is to be alive again. Being alive is to want, to need, to enjoy, to hurt, to _feel _and _this _is what he wants now and always. It is more than just lust this time and they both know it, knowing too that it always was.

Spock pulls back, breathing heavily, struggling to keep himself together. Kirk whimpers –

"Spock please don't stop, I'll die if you stop –"

"_No" _Spock snarls, fiercely, that red throb of pain – "You will not die. You will never die, never leave me like that again – Jim –"

"Spock –"

"Let me meld with you. Completely. Let me hold you so close in my mind that nothing can ever break it again. I cannot lose you – I cannot –"

"You're asking me to –" Kirk has a sudden, ridiculous urge to say "Marry you". But it would be trite, trivial – this is so much more. He barely knows why he asks he has no intention of saying no, indeed they both know it is not even an option, that the bond has already begun to form, it started as soon as Kirk re- awoke, their minds grasping urgently for each other in those first few moments –

"Be mine –" Spock clarifies – "Mine only. I have been and always shall be yours."

He sees the shine in Kirk's eyes and it occurs to him for probably the first time that the human might not break his heart after all.

"Yes" Kirk says simply. Spock can still hardly believe it., Kirk can tell, and he says it again – "Yes – yours – " he looks around them – "Not here though"

"Agreed"

"We so need to find this beech house."

He wishes he could phrase this differently in his head but still finds himself thinking – _because this is like my first time and I want it to be special – _and a tiny little thought no-one else could ever have heard – _do you think there's any chance I might deserve special? _

Spock takes his face in one hand so tenderly that Kirk shivers; it hurts Spock deeply to feel how little he really thinks himself worth –

"Jim –" he says gently – "You deserve _everything._"

_x_

**I'm sorry about how soppy this started to get! In the next chapter: SEX! And bonding – finally!**


	10. Chapter 10

**Love and hoverpods, rainbows and bonding….big feels :-)**

**Sorry this was a while in coming….is long and intense – even with the rainbows. **

Spock pinpoints the house on his automatic navigation system and in fact they can see it already, glass rooftops glinting in the sunlight, nestled into the cliff, further down the beach.

As they head towards it Kirk talks, mostly to keep his mind off his erection, the better to stay functioning until they get indoors.

"Spock –" he says, because it is bothering him – "Why would you hate your eyes?"

"I find them – disconcertingly human"

"But Spock, _I _have human eyes – and you don't hate _them _– right?"

Spock looks at him cautiously, forcing himself not to say anything overly sentimental – difficult when his first thought is – _your eyes are the sea and sky to me - _

- all he says is –

"I do not" – and he fears the warmth in his voice might still give away his meaning. He sighs –

"When I was growing up on Vulcan others of my age often attempted to illicit an emotional response from me using a variety of taunts – my human eyes were naturally a popular topic of insult."

Kirk blinks, translating this in his head –

"You're saying you were bullied as a kid?"

"Not in those words Captain – and I do not accept sympathy for this" he replies defensively. Kirk nods, thinking how endurable he has always found sympathy when directed at himself – generally pretending to have nothing he feels bad about so as to avoid it –

"Pfft Spock I wasn't gonna – I just would have liked to beat 'em up for you."

"Trust me Jim – it would not have been necessary"

Kirk's eyes widen in admiration –

"_You _beat them up?"

"Surely Jim you know me well enough by now not to be surprised by this?"

"Spock – I'd only known you half a day before you were beating the crap out of me."

"Indeed. You have always affected me more than you ought."

"I'll take that as a compliment"

"It is not one. You cannot imagine how unendurable it was to find myself falling in love with you at that time. Indeed I fought myself at least as hard as I fought you. Your presence was and I fear always shall be devastating to my sense of self control."

"Spock –" Kirk frowns, thinking, that little crumple between the eyes that Spock always wants to stroke out – "Are you saying that when you tried to kill me you were _in love with me?"_

"It would appear so"

"You'd only known me half a day - and I was a dick to you!"

"Indeed. Hence the distress. And I had been aware of you for longer than that. Remember I oversaw your multiple attempts at the Kobayashi Maru. I found you – most fascinating – detestable – but fascinating."

"You had love at first sight!"

"That is most illogical"

"But you did didn't you?"

Spock grimaces, he is not used to lying –

"No" he says stubbornly.

"Oh you did so!"

"I did not!"

"Did too! Admit it – I'm just that pretty!"

It is strange to Spock, remembering how awful it felt at the time – but to see Kirk's eyes flashing amusement at him he cannot help but smile, even laugh a little – he is not sure he has ever even laughed before in his life, it is warm and shuddery, on the whole he thinks he likes it –

"If I admit it will you drop this topic of conversation?"

"Given I just heard you laugh? It's a deal" Kirk grins – "So you beat those guys up just over your eyes then?"

"They also insulted my mother"

"Uh – oh" Kirk knows he shouldn't but he almost laughs.

"Indeed"

"So who'd you rather beat up? Them or me?" he teases.

"Jim – if it is a question of physical contact I would chose you over the rest of the world in a heartbeat and I am sure you know it."

"Spock –" Kirk says, quietly, almost shyly, taking Spock's hand in his –

"Jim?"

"I loved you too you know"

Spock twists his fingers gently in Kirk's and feels the truth of it –

"I do now –" he points suddenly – "Hoverpods"

They reach the row of little glass pods docked beneath the cliff, each one leading up to one of the houses nestled along the sides. They find the one marked _Sulu _, unlock it with the combination they have been given and float upwards. It is like floating in a giant bubble.

"Awesome!" Kirk enthuses, looking out and around him everywhere – "I always wanted to travel by bubble!"

"Captain I must beg you to stop moving around" groans Spock, a little greener than usual from how much Kirk is shaking the pod around.

"Sorry Spock" Kirk grins, and then because he cannot help himself – "Didn't mean to bust your bubble!" Spock rolls his eyes in a gesture of deep tolerance and patience.

When they reach the top Kirk all but bounces, wanting to do it again. Spock says nothing, forcing him to pay attention to the house in front of them, curious to see his reaction. He is not disappointed. Kirk's mouth hangs open a little –

"Shit me!" he gulps – "_That's _a beach house?"

"Certainly it re – defines that term" Spock agrees.

The house clings to the cliff like a bejewelled barnacle, parts of it completely overhanging the rocks and supported on twisting metal legs that shine silver and white in the sun. It has rooftops that glitter, in multi – coloured glass and a marble stairway leading up to the main door. Kirk cannot help but gape at it for a moment –

"That's – amazing."

"Definitely adequate as Terran dwellings go" Spock concedes. Kirk shakes his head at him, then runs up the stairs and activates the front door.

Inside the house is at least as impressive as outside. The coloured glass in the ceiling reflects the sunlight across the white marble hallway so that it is like walking on rainbows that shimmer and dance. Spock watches as Kirk's eyes widen like a child's and he watches the refractions play across his skin. Spock is not unaffected by the beauty and cleverness of the place either but it is nothing to him besides the beauty of this human before him, delighting in it all.

_If you could just see yourself – _he thinks – _you would not doubt yourself for a moment. For all of your life and movement you are the still point of my turning world –_

Kirk turns to him and grins and there are rainbows catching on his smile. He squints, seeing Spock watching him –

"Guess I'm looking like one dumb farm boy – huh?"

"Believe me Jim that was furthest from my mind"

Kirk takes both of Spock's hands in his impulsively –

"Forgive me Spock, I – it's just so wonderful I – you can't know – what it's like just being alive again –" he phrases it clumsily, struggling with the concept of the sheer brilliance of life – of feeling and sensations – the feeling he has been buzzing with really ever since they beamed down. Spock pulls him closer, watching the lights playing in his hair –

"Jim –" he says, so tenderly that he can feel the human's heart run like molten gold beneath his voice and his eyes turn upwards in the deepest, most beautiful smile – "I think perhaps I do". He gives up his thoughts completely, in a more complete surrender to another than he thought he would ever allow – there is no need any more to hold back –

_Jim, I died when you died. I did not really know until then that I am nothing without you. I never even knew who I was until I had you back and it brought me back to life – now my katra cries to be tied to you - Jim you are my everything and that you even feel a part of this is enough for me to live on always –_

_- Just a part – Spock? Now you're being mean! Spock the worst thing about dying was going to a place where you could not follow – knowing that I still hadn't told you – and the last time we really spoke we yelled at each other. Spock, the worst thing was knowing what I could have had if I hadn't fucked it up -_

_Shh love, shh – you didn't and I've got you back and I will keep it that way so help me – even now you are too far away from me –_

And it is true somehow, even pressed close together, feeling too far apart and only one way to cure it – Spock swings Kirk up into his arms and carries him up the staircase that sweeps round to the right –

_Like I was a fucking princess in a fairy tale _Kirk thinks, though he is far from objecting – _as though I was light as a feather – _

_- You are not that light Ashayam, but you are more so than you should be -_

_Now is hardly the time Spock! Tomorrow I promise I'll eat loads of cake but for now –_

Spock walks in through the opened door of the largest bedroom, depositing Kirk gently on the bed –

"Never stop touching me" Kirk finishes aloud.

Spock drops down beside him on the bed, dragging him back into his arms before either can feel the loss of contact too painfully –

"I do not intend to" he replies in a soft growl. Kirk cleaves to him as they kiss as though he wants to occupy the exact same space. Their tongues twist and thrust with undisguised carnality and Kirk arches urgently against Spock as the Vulcan holds him remorselessly in an unbreakable grip –

_Too far away! _Kirk screams in his mind, mentally hyperventilating with need – _still too far apart – damn clothes!_

They break the kiss, gasping –

_How do we do this?_

_-Quickly. _

It is punishing to break apart so they drag shirts off quickly and Spock has Kirk's trousers off in several frantic seconds. Kirk finds his fingers shaking too much to function and he can feel Spock's erection beneath his hand, hot and hard and it feels like a matter of life or death, wanting to cry out with frustration –

_Spock help me – please –_

Spock's head pounding with desire, feverish with need, but his hands steady, unfastening himself to let Kirk gratefully do the rest and then the sweet relief of feeling skin against skin as they fall back together, kissing and touching hungrily -

_It's been too long –_

_- Far too long –_

_Please never again –_

_- Too far away from me –_

It does not matter who is thinking any more since their thoughts are the same. Kirk sings with inner joy at being able to share thoughts like this, leaving his mouth free to kiss, hands free to touch, to claim, take, remember –

_Soon now love ad our minds will never be apart and I will be inside you in every single way – _

_- Yes, please yes, yours – so alive – so myself when you are touching me, never more alive than when you are inside me – please –_

Spock sends out a gentle stream of thought to cool the frantic human brain, though his body screams the imperative to take him, claim him, possess him completely – that intense rushing _Mineminealwaysmine _that hurls through him as he pushes Kirk onto his back, stroking his face with one hand and his cock with the other – it is hardly a traditional Vulcan bonding ceremony but it is a more ancient one, more primal, and he presses his fingers against Kirk's forehead – _my mind to your mind, my thoughts to your thoughts – _sending the first gentle probes of his mind inside _– this is your last chance, there is no going back from here –_

Kirk growls, both aloud and mentally his definite assertion – _I want this, I want it completely, don't you dare not do this now –_

Fingers slipping into his body and into his brain, making him feel almost paralyzed by the intensity of this complete penetration, whimpering when Spock pulls back to reach for the thoughtfully placed bottle by the bed, rubbing the oil into his cock, Kirk's final coherent thought –

_Had no idea you could fuck and bond at the same time –_

Before Spock slides into his and proves him wrong and god it hurts but it's okay, it always will a little after all, and those gentle probes in his head stretch and flex, spinning coloured threads to wrap around his brain and the colours –

- and the shapes all swirling up and around each other and Spock presses the threads onwards and inwards tangling them into the mesh of Kirk's brain, their colours running and weaving together to create the perfect complete pattern – and they _fit _so perfectly the sliding together is easy. At the same time Spock thrusts into him, tingling and electric with the exquisite delight of being inside him once more, closing his eyes for ecstasy at the maddening spasms of the human body and seeing behind his eyes –

-himself, in Kirk's mind, his hand wrapped around his cock, stroking him to a frenzy while his fingers stroke their brain, smoothing the threads in place and his fingers are wet _but that's because I've been crying – oh –_

_-didn't mean to hurt you –_

_-No – not hurt – good crying –_

_Illogical!_

_- Yeah, great Spock, really illogical thanks –_

- the ability to make words even mentally flying apart again and the bond sealing itself, Spock moves his hand to support Kirk's head, thrown back as he arches his back off the bed, screaming as he comes in an orgasm that only seams to start in his cock but pours out of every inch of his skin and Spock feeling the same so that they cannot tell each other's climax the one apart from the other, long past the point where they do not know where they end and the other begins because there is no longer any ending or beginning, just a constant stream of orgasmic energy flowing through them in a never – ending circle that feeds on itself in a timeless eternity-

- until a click in their shared brain and the bond is tightly sealed, sealed like a point on an unbroken circle and Spock falls back onto the bed, bonelessly and Kirk barely notices, his every nerve end ringing so hard he can still feel Spock inside him and although they are no longer even touching they think together –

_I can still hear your heart beat and your scrambled perfect thoughts._

Eventually Kirk takes in a huge breath of air, with a groaning sound. He turns over to meet Spock's gaze, opens his mouth to say possibly – "Holy shit" – but it never comes out and he bursts into tears.

Spock's face crumples with concern, his heart racing –

_Jim, what is it, did I do something wrong?_

Kirk shakes his head and buries his face in Spock's chest and Spock holds him so gently, stroking his hair so lovingly it just makes him cry for longer. Spock waits patiently for his sobs to subside, heart hammering all the while with fear that something has gone dreadfully wrong.

"_No_ Spock –" Kirk gulps – "S'not you – it's me – I fuck everything up, I'm sorry – I –" he takes a deep breath and looks up at Spock, eyes shining with tears, so bright, dazzling – even sad he is so beautiful it rips at Spock's heart –

_Tell me there was wrong here now and it may kill me –_

Kirk shakes his head frantically –

"I – Spock – I –" he looks down trembling and scared – "Spock I've slept with so many people –" he manages, feels Spock tense at this and carries on quickly – "But not a one of them mattered worth a damn – I've done –" he struggles – "Stuff. Lots of stuff. But none of mattered – none of it meant _anything – _I didn't even know –" he shakes his head in dismay at himself – "I didn't even know that it _could _ mean anything – not until just now. I never let it, I'm such a jerk – I –"

Spock strokes his face, tilting his head up to meet his eyes –

"Jim –" he says gently – "You are not a jerk. I am honoured to be your first time for anything – I had not –" he hopes this does not come out as an insult – "I had not imagined it was possible –"

Kirk smiles and relaxes a little –

"But –" he protests, stubborn brain kicking in again – "Shit Spock, I don't deserve your honour! I don't deserve shit! I look at you, loving me and I wonder why you waste your time – I can't even start to _compute _the way you look at me –"

"Jim" Spock stops him, sternly – "You are starting to annoy me! This is not something you can compute. It is not –" he almost laughs – "It is not logical and if I can cope with that then certainly so can you. You wonder what it makes you that you feel scared – Jim, it makes you human – and it makes you sadly unaware of your own best qualities –"

Kirk opens his mouth to object but Spock cuts him off with a –

"Shut up Jim, I am still talking!" that surprises him so much it actually does shut him up – "Frankly it is irrelevant whether or not you feel yourself deserving. Either way you _have _my respect. You _have _my love. You have all of me. I am yours Jim, always and I cannot and will not accept your rejection of this fact –"

"Rejection? No Spock, I wouldn't – I love you – I –"

Spock silences him with two fingers in a curious cross between a Vulcan and human kiss –

_Not another word Ashayam, unless it is to say something positive about yourself._

Kirk cannot quite do that, but he does not argue any more either. He kisses Spock's fingertips and continues with butterfly kisses as those fingers trace the outline of his lips.

"Spock, are you mad?" Kirk frowns, picking up the note of anger.

"I do not understand Jim. All psychological tests I have ever undergone would suggest –"

"No you idiot, I meant mad as in angry."

"Oh. Yes. I am somewhat."

"At me?" Kirk's forehead crumples like a child's and Spock quickly kisses away the crinkle between his eyes.

"No. At whoever dared hurt you and made you feel so little of yourself. And at myself for not being able to quell the desire to kill them."

"Huh. Well sure, next time we're headed home feel free to look up my folks – Spock?"

"Yes?"

Kirk takes a deep breath, gently balancing his carefully erected barriers back into place, though it occurs to him for the first time that he has someone now who will love him without them, that he is doing it for himself, not anyone else. He knows too that Spock understands all this completely without the awkward need to explain – it is possibly the first step he has really taken away from his childhood in twenty years –

"You won't tell anyone that the great and perfect James T Kirk cried on you like a baby girl will you?"

"I cannot see how it would be appropriate or relevant, Captain"

Kirk smiles and snuggles into Spock happily for several silent moments, moments filled only with one another's breathing, their beating hearts and the newly forged bond that thrums between them like a freshly tuned piano.

_x_

**Yeah this chapter turned out pretty long but there was no good way to break it up. Also Kirk danced in rainbows! I genuinely didn't realise how gay that was until I read it back! Oh well! **

**Just a quick note – this was meant to be the end but there's still a few more chapters to go in my head (two so far on paper!) The next will be really short and total crack cause I struggle to stay deeply serious for long….it can be skipped if you want to go straight to the chapter after which is more sex!**


	11. Crack bomb!

**This isn't really a proper chapter….it's just some crack that sneaked it's way into this fic, so it can be totally skipped and you won't really have missed much if you think that breaks the flow waaay too much….i kinda do. Also fic gets gate crashed by a little bit of Chulu here! **

"Spock?" Kirk says, eventually, lazily.

"Jim?"

"Where'd the lube come from?"

"What?"

"You had – really handy lube before?"

"It was – on the table by the bed."

"Why?"

"Jim – I was somewhat occupied at the time – I noticed it but did not consider it an appropriate time to investigate."

Kirk snorts, rolling over to investigate; there are various ointments by the bed, and handcuffs – Kirk raises an eyebrow – and a neatly folded note. He lies back, next to Spock and unfolds the note –

"To Captain Kirk and Commander Spock" he reads aloud – ""Here are a selection of things you may find useful –" someone's written "Tee hee!" next to that –"

"Tee hee? Captain?"

"It's the written equivalent of a giggle Spock."

"I see"

"" We've left a longer welcome message in the kitchen downstairs and stocked the fridge up. There are also mini fridges in each of the bedside cabinets –" Fuck yes!" Kirk punches the air at that – "" We hope you have a great first night. This room has a balcony if you feel the need to cool down at any time, yours respectfully, Hikaru Sulu" – well –" Kirk sighs – "It's so nice to know our crew knows us so well."

"Indeed"

"Were we really that obvious?"

"I suspect that _you _were Captain. What is the post script?"

Kirk reads on – the PS is written in different handwriting –

""P.S did you know that handcuffs were invented by Russian scientists?" Then Sulu again writes "No they weren't", then PPS Tee – hee – handcuffs, PPPS Forgive Pavel, he still thinks the word bottom is the height of humour" – I love my crew!"

"I suspect that they are quite fond of us too Captain"

"And of each other apparently – why does nobody ever tell me anything?"

"I suspect that everyone assumed that everyone else already knew –"

"Holy shitsticks!" Kirk remembers, delightedly, thinking of the most important thing –

"Mini Fridges!"

He leaps down beside the bed and examines the fridge, pulling out a chilled beer and a vast assortment of chocolate –

"Fucking hell!" he whoops, trying to consume both at once –"Food! Spock we need a mini – fridge! Beer?"

Spock shakes his head tolerantly –

"I do not like it."

"Spock you're not human."

Spock gives him _well duhh _face.

"At least tell me you like chocolate"

"It renders me somewhat intoxicated Captain" he confesses.

"You get drunk on chocolate?" Kirk grins maniacally, bouncing back onto the bed.

"That is one way of putting it."

"Fucking ace!" Kirk whoops, wrestling Spock to force feed him chocolate….

_x_

**Someone dropped a crack bomb on me….think it's fading though….normal service will be resumed in the next proper section!**


	12. Chapter 12

Some time later Kirk goes up to investigate the balcony area. Spock watches from the bed, wondering whether or not to make the obvious comment. Eventually he decides in favour –

"Captain – need I remind you that you are not dressed and may be visible from the –" Kirk walks outside, throwing a dazzling grin over his shoulder – "balcony area" Spock finishes, lamely.

Kirk stretches in the moonlight and Spock cannot help but be a little awestruck at his beauty, like a painting, framed in the silvery light. Kirk turns, unthinkingly, to touch the sliding glass door and Spock jumps up, startled into an utter, irrational tsunami of panic that threatens to knock him over, all but dashing forward –

"Jim – no –" he cries, coming out onto the balcony to take him urgently by the arm, clutching desperately at his hand and twisting his fingers into Kirks almost crushingly – "I –" he chokes, taken aback by his own panic – "I could not bear it if you were on the other side of the glass" he mumbles in explanation. Kirk looks up at him with eyes like the sea beyond –

"Spock – " he says tenderly – "I'm here" and he kisses him soothingly, tenderly, for a moment before he pulls back and smirks gently –

"Commander – need I remind you that you are not dressed and may be visible?" he mimics, mockingly. Spock thinks about this for a moment –

"As I believe you would say Jim – the hell with it"

"Spock" Kirk grins – "I'm starting to affect you"

"Starting?" Spock frowns – "You always have –" _more than you could know – _he would have said just days ago, but Kirk is in his head now and so it is no longer necessary or wholly true.

Kirk walks to the balcony and looks out across the sea, a gentle breeze delicious on his skin. Spock watches him enthralled – _what have I come to _he thinks – _that I could feel jealous of the wind for playing with your hair? _ He stands beside him and kirk rests his head on his shoulder and clasps his hand in silence. It is night now and the stars are out, the moon casting silver light across the sea where the sun had washed it gold before.

The tide is in and there are so many different sounds on the soft night air, the rhythmic beating of the ways, the gulls out across the cliffs. Somewhere out on the bay a boat moored, the hollow sound of a hull on the water and Kirk thinks, not quite knowing if it is his own thought or a line he read somewhere – _I will not fight that current any more, I will move to the beating of your heart. _

_You will fight though, I know you Ashayam, a part of you will always fight – and it Is not a line, just your own strange and beautiful brain._

-_But I will go where it leads me too. I will never stop following its course_ – he raises his to the stars – _That's my ocean Spock, chart it with me?_

_Have we not already begun?_

_- Which of those stars do you think we've been to?_

_Technically none, since those lights come from stars that have already died. Also they are technically suns and so it would be a physical impossibility to –_

_-Shut up Spock, you have no sense of Romance –_

_I refute that statement._

Kirk raises an eyebrow as Spock slides around behind him, one hand on his shoulder, the other stroking the back of his neck where he knows it really tingles, stroking down his shoulders, slowly and firmly to lift his arms until Kirk is holding on to the balcony rail –

"Stay" he whispers aloud, so that Kirk can hear the growl close to his ear and feel Spock's breath reverberate close to his face, lips almost but not quite brushing his skin.

Running a hand down the length of his body to caress his hip and the small of his back, Spock gently, infuriatingly, trails kisses across his neck and jaw until Kirk squirms and stretches like a cat, groaning softly beneath his lover's ministrations. He moans louder when Spock shifts and he can feel his erection pressing into his back –

_-Oh god, when did that happen?_

_Always hard for you – or almost, I would calculate 87.6 percent of the time –_

_-Spock please don't calculate at _this _time._

Spock takes Kirk's own erection in his hand almost teasingly and Kirk's breath hitches, releasing it in a shudder –

_-Fuck – Spock –_

"I want you –" that maddening growl against the skin sending tremors across the back, down the arms, tightening the chest and quivering in the knees – "I want you so much of the time. You make me forget all I ever learnt of reason and control –"

"Fuck reason –" Kirk hisses – "I'm yours Spock, everything you want to do to me – do it. Don't make me say please –"

Spock smirks a little –

_Dear one, that _is_ something I want to make you do – but not today –_

He nudges Kirk's legs apart with one knee, taking firmer hold of his cock, stroking it maddeningly, slender fingers moving in an erratic dance. Moving between his legs he pushes his cock slowly up inside him – still open from the last time and Kirk cries out in mingled pain and pleasure as Spock fills him completely, feeling the cry must echo across the bay from cliff's edge to cliff's edge, thinking –

_Shit! Anyone could see us from here!_

Spock thinking back –

_- I am aware of this. It does not concern me. Perhaps you would like me to stop? _

There is gentle sarcasm in the last thought and no suggestion of any real intention of stopping. Even so Kirk shakes his head rapidly, feeling how unbearable it would be if he did. Spock half smirks, thrusting into him urgently, hand wrapped tightly around his cock, his other hand trailing up Kirk's arm to take his throat, squeezing and caressing the soft skin until Kirk throws his head back, leaning into Spock's shoulder, warm and almost nuzzling as Spock continues to run his fingers in a tantalising dance across his throat. He cannot see past Kirk's shoulder and the curve of his neck but at the same time he sees the whole bay reflected through Kirk's eyes and he cannot help but gasp to see with both of their eyes at once, to know how good he feels inside him from the human's perspective as well as his own – the thought _I do not just love you, I am you _that they suddenly both share. He can feel the breeze on Kirk's skin as his own, smell the salt air with human sensitivity, hears Kirk's surprise at experiencing the magnified sounds of Vulcan hearing, how bright everything looks with intensified night vision, the thoughts –

_-It is warmer in your skin –_

_- Your heart – beating so fast –_

_- How do you not burn up –_

_- I can see everything –_

- a rapid whirl of shared senses until the moment they come together seeing stars through new eyes, a rushing world of hot and cold, sight, sound, taste, smell experienced as one and still –

_It's just you. You are my world –_

- as Spock shudders himself into Kirk, at the same time feeling his hand around his cock, spilling into the night, growling his own ecstasy and screaming Kirk's until he feels his throat will break from it and he withdraws slowly, steadying himself against the warm human body, face buried still in his neck.

Kirk's eyes roll in his head, taking in the air and sky as they do – the stars genuinely brighter than they have ever been. His hands hurt from holding so tight to the rail and it feels like they will never really unclench. When they do his knees really do give way, Spock catching him so that they sink together onto the cool floor in a tangle of limbs. He rests his head against Spock's chest and Spock strokes his hair thinking – _soft, like feathers._

_-See? _Kirk replies – _You can be poetic – Spock?_

_Mmm?_

_- If it keeps being this intense my brain cells are gonna die._

_I do not believe that it would be biologically possible for al of them to do so at this time. _

_-Spock?_

_Jim?_

_- I take it back – you can't be poetic._

"However I take it you retract the accusation as to my lack of Romance?"

"Hmmm…."

"Jim!"

"Well _technically –" _he mocks – "That wasn't Romance, it was bumming on a balcony."

Spock rolls his eyes –

_Now who has no poetry?_

_- Spock?_

_Mmm? _

_- Shut up. _

_x_

'**Cause it occurred to me that Vulcans and humans have huge differences in almost all areas of sensory perception and that could get really fun when bonded….I just hope I got all the differences right! :-)**


	13. Chapter 13

Spock carries Kirk back inside on the back of Kirk's complaint that his legs have stopped working –

"Which cannot be good for my recuperation" he grumbles happily – "I mean, how would I ever explain that to Bones? – "Sorry Bones I know you sent us down here to get back to health but we had so much sex my knees fell off and my brain dribbled out my ears?" – can you imagine his face?"

"I am trying not to – especially since we are under medical orders not to furnish the good doctor with such details. Also your exaggerations are not only extreme but disgustingly depicted."

"Thanks Spock."

"Also your legs are technically working."

"Spock you piss me off"

"I am aware of this Captain"

He places Kirk down on the bed gently and Kirk smiles at him all warm and golden, still basking in the afterglow. Spock cannot help but wonder – for the umpteenth time – how something so beautiful can be his –

_-Funny, I was just wondering the same thing –_

He is still not used to Kirk being able to see his every thought, but he does not find himself minding. It never stops being a pleasure to communicate in this silence and he can feel how much it still intrigues and excites Kirk.

_- You were wondering how- being so beautiful – you came to be mine? _He teases softly, surprised to find that he is learning how to tease.

_No, you idiot, how are you mine?_

"Jim –" he smiles, kneeling over him to look down into his face, musingly stroking his face and hair – "Nobody in their right mind should not love and want you – you are – perfect. It never ceases to surprise me that you can go day to day unmolested."

"Gotta tell you Spock, when you're around I don't – and Spock, I want you to be always around – gnhhh –" he groans, his words choking off as Spock trails kisses down his neck and chest –

"I have to say –" he gasps as Spock claims him once more, fingers and lips traversing his skin – "Whoever said Vulcans were unemotional had clearly – gah! – never slept with one –"His words turn into incoherent moans as Spock kisses and caresses a path down his body and Kirk groans to hear him think _there is no inch of you I do not wish to kiss – _as he takes Kirk's stiffening cock into his mouth, sucking it into full hardness once more. He pulls back a little to lick wickedly at the tip until Kirk pushes him back gently, rolling them over until their positions are reversed and he is over Spock, pressing his aching cock against his thigh. A little overwhelmed by his strange beauty he thinks _Spock please –can I touch you? _aware that he has never taken the lead before and afraid it might be unacceptable to Spock for him to do so – _I am content just to be for you if you wish it – but please – I also would like to touch you everywhere –_

Spock nods infinitesimally – _In any way you wish dear one. _It surprises him to hear Kirk thinking so loudly how beautiful he is – it is not something that has ever occurred to him before.

_Jesus – _Kirk thinks, stroking his chest, arms, face – tentatively at first but with quickly growing confidence and delight – _how can you not have thought so?_

_- It was not –necessary – _Spock thinks slowly back, beginning to gasp and writhe beneath Kirk's explorative touch – _and I saw nothing myself to support the theory-_

_Spock you're an idiot. You should have known it. I hate myself but even I know I'm sexy – hell, I was sexy as a kid –_

_- Jim you are appalling._

_Oh good –_

Kirk grins, running firm fingers down Spock's thigh before stroking his cock hard in both his hands –

_Do Vulcans even _have _refractory periods? _

_- Not around humans like you. _

Kirk cannot help but smile, playing curiously – just the tip of a finger - with the double ridges in the Vulcan's cock, making Spock hiss and shudder at the wickedly playful touch.

_Spock?_

_- Nng?_

_Can I – fuck you?_

Spock's eyes widen and he tries desperately and unsuccessfully to hide the nervousness in his thoughts, not wanting to admit that he has never done that before. Kirk hears anyway and also hears him give a gentle affirmative.

_Really? _Kirk wonders, struggling to believe someone would actually do that for him –

_- Well, I love you – _almost a shrug, as though it is obvious.

It is.

_Don't worry – _Kirk replies to Spock's silent concern – _I'll be gentle, I'm not a bastard like you. _He smiles, remembering how gentle Spock wasn't with him that first time. He leans in to kiss him – _cannot believe you're mine _he thinks, his kiss fierce, possessive, amazed and enthralled that he has something he can finally be possessive of – _never had something that was all mine before – _Spock yielding and kissing back hard all at once so that Kirk knows without him having to say it – _But you are, aren't you? Mine completely –_

He takes up the bottle of lube and trickles the golden liquid through his fingers, rubbing it into his cock with one hand as he slides the first finger into Spock, never breaking eye contact until Spock's eyes start to close in pleasure and pain – but in that order. Kirk moves into him gently, adding a second finger and Spock bites his lip softly but thinks very clearly –

_Continue – _and as Kirk's fingers twist and move – _fuck, continue please – want you inside me – _and Kirk removes his fingers to replace them with his cock and this time he can feel Spock biting the pain back hard because Vulcans do not cry out, at the same time thinking _good, so good, do not stop – _

He is not sure he could have even if he had wanted to, not at this stage, and he pushes on until he is sheathed in Spock completely and can feel him hurt and then breath out a sigh of pleasure when Kirk takes his huge cock in his hand, squeezing deliciously as he starts to thrust into him, gently at first, then as the pain starts to subside, harder – Kirk realises that through the bond he can feel the pain as well but then, as the pleasure mounts he feels that too as his own, as if Spock's tightness around him was not enough and then Spock reminds him that he is stronger than a human and can take as much as he can give –

- and Kirk stops holding back, surging into him completely, his thrusts mounting into a fury, fucking Spock hard, harder than he has ever dared with anyone for fear of breaking them –

_You may be strong for a human – _Spock thinks, actively taunting him into pounding him harder – _but you cannot break me._

"Oh – fuck!" Kirk screams aloud with ecstasy and, once begun, carries on a litany of expletives that just as clearly enunciate Spock's own excuse for a thought process.

Spock in turn feels the pain melt into a burning pleasure and when Kirk's cock starts to brush against his prostate he has to dig his fingers into the human's shoulders hard, forcing himself not to just come instantly. But the human is remorseless; knowing what he is doing just makes him do it with more maddening intensity and when he then strokes Spock's cock in time to his thrusts Spock comes urgently, screaming and roaring, his hands scrambling for purchase on Kirk's sweat drenched back until, with a final savage thrust Kirk is coming inside him, yelling his name all tangled up with curse words and screaming until he collapses across Spock shuddering and almost crying with the intensity of his orgasm.

Eventually he rolls part way onto his side but still with an arm and a leg wrapped around Spock.

"Spock?" he murmurs eventually.

"Jim?" Spock is still gazing upwards, gently stroking the warm heavy human head.

"Your heart beat is really fast."

"It is normal for a Vulcan Jim, but somewhat accelerated at this time yes – as is yours."

"Yeah but – yours is like hmmmmmmmmm where mine is still thump thump – you're not just gonna stop are you?"

"Jim you are illogical and you make strange sounds. The average Vulcan heart beats at 24c beats a minute, the average human's at 60 to 100, therefore my rate is approximately 3.025 times faster than yours – though I would need medical instruments to calculate more efficiently."

"Spock I beg you not to calculate further at this time. Also we really need to talk about your post coital conversational skills."

"Yours seem to consist of nonsensicality and peculiar noises."

"I love you Spock"

"I love you Jim"

"There – that was better wasn't it?"

_x_

**Only one more chapter to go! **

**Many thanks to Zedrobber for finding out all the answers to my annoying questions about Vulcan vs. human heartbeats! **


	14. Chapter 14

Kirk wakes up to the faint strain of music from downstairs. The balcony door, still open from last night, lets in a cool sea breeze and a warm shaft of sunlight, both playing delightfully across his skin. A white gauze curtain caresses the floor, drifting in the morning air. He is not sure he has ever woken more contented, yawning and stretching like a sleepy cat, blue eyes blinking in the dawn of new light. He feels full of light ad happiness, with only one thing missing –

_Spock? _he thinks – _Spock where are you? _

He feels no panic, just a need to know – that he suspects now will never leave him.

_I'm downstairs Ashayam, did not wish to wake you, so sweet asleep –_

He beams, radiantly, to hear Spock's thoughts as though he is touching him, to know that he _is _and always will be touching him even when he is not. He suspects that last night may be the closest thing he ever gets to a wedding night and that is absolutely more than fine by him.

Bit by bit his early morning awareness slips the memory of last night back into his head like shimmering raindrops; dancing in the rainbows, touching, kissing, making love over and over again , that magical swirl of their senses combining, everything they did – and most of all the linking of their minds forever in the bond. He smiles, wriggling at the memories, momentarily unable to put a name to this incredible feeling. Then he realises – _fixed, I feel fixed, mended, complete, as I always should have been. _

Finally he gets out of bed to follow the sound of the piano, mellow notes dancing on the air – _Should probably get dressed – so comfortable though – good dressing gown, that's easy – _he trails his way out of the bedroom – all the doors in this house are sliding panels in the Japanese style, in fact the whole house is a beautifully elegant combination of oriental and western.

He makes his way dozily down the curving stairs, remembering how Spock had carried him up here the night before, like he was suddenly the heroine in "Gone with the wind" or something – _Cake, I promised to eat more cake – been getting skinny whilst dead – mmm cake, good idea – _he bears right into a large room off the main hallway, a shining, crystalline room with a large fireplace and a grand piano in the corner by the patio doors. He can almost physically feel his eye light up to see Spock sat at the piano – _my heart and soul sit there – could not have imagined you could ever be more beautiful, but you are –_

Spock looks up as he comes in, smiling with his eyes, but not missing a note. Kirk comes over to stand behind him, resting a hand on his shoulder, the other tracing the outline of an ear, watching Spock's hands move so dextrously over the ivory keys.

_It is a beautiful instrument _Spock informs him silently – _antique. _

_- It's a beautiful tune – _Kirk replies – _Is it Vulcan?_

He could swear he catches a green flush in Spock's face when he replies –

_It is – shall we say – half human, half Vulcan?_

Kirk works this out –

_- Spock you never cease to amaze me, and I didn't even know you could play!_

_I confess I have something of an aptitude for music, it has a most technical beauty – but it has been a long time since I have had the opportunity for composition._

_- So what do you call this one?_

That near – blush again, he feels Spock trying hard to mask the answer from his thoughts –

_K'hat n d'lawa – _he finally makes out – _roughly it means – half my heart, half my soul –_

_- It's kinda beautiful._

_It would be – _Spock tries to sound as dry and factual as he can, with little success – _I wrote it for you._

_x_

"So, Spock –" Kirk says, a little later – "How come you never told me you were like a musical genius?"

"That is a gross exaggeration Jim, I am not a genius, I am merely adequate –"

"Adequate my arse" Kirk mutters. Spock raises an eyebrow but otherwise pretends not to have heard –

"Furthermore it was hardly relevant to any of our missions with Starfleet for me to mention the fact" he continues. Kirk rolls his eyes.

"Spock I don't know if you intrigue me or bug me the most – now can we please go investigate the fridge?"

Spock raises an eyebrow tolerantly and gets up to follow Kirk into the kitchen –

"We can. I may even make breakfast"

"Oh my god" Kirk's eyes go big and he wonders if he has woken on actual paradise – "It cooks as well?"

"It is not so impossible"

"Oh my god" he repeats, gazing up a Spock, almost misty eyed – "Spock, I love you"

"I believe we established this last night"

"You make food"

Spock makes the smallest shake of his head, in mock despair –

"You are most perplexing. I am never quite certain if you are extremely complex or really very simple."

"Food"

"Indeed"

"Spock?"

"T'hy'la?"

Kirk smiles beatifically; it is the first time either of them has ever said it out loud, strangely – or not strangely at all – when it was the word he had just been pondering himself.

"I think I just worked out what it means"

"Breakfast?"

"No you idiot – T'hy'la"

"Jim –" Spock frowns, with infinite affectionate patience – "After everything we went through, after last night – it takes me offering breakfast for you to realise we are T'hy'la?"

"I was – the last perfect thing" Kirk smiles – "Pancakes?"

"Indeed Jim" Spock sighs in tolerance and love – "T'hy'la means pancakes".

_x_

**So, this is pretty much the end of this fic! ...though I may be adding a few scenes of gentle crackiness in which Kirk and Spock continue to enjoy their shore leave. There are definitely some leads I want to follow up because I have fallen in love with this beach house and wish to use it more! **

**If the ending seems a bit flippant it's because I didn't want this to be another of those very serious- over-using-the-word-t'hy'la- and- explaining- it's-meaning-for- the -millionth time fics. Also because true love is not big dramatic times, it's knowing how your person likes their tea, what their favourites are and - yes, how they like their pancakes. True fact. **

**Quick shameless plug for my next fic - coming soon, Kirk and Spock will be going undercover in a goth club to catch a werewolf...not quite as cracky as that sounds with rather large amounts of violence and dub con sex! - I'm rather proud of it!**

**Thank you for reading, LLAP.**


	15. Bonus chapter 1

**Essentially, I just fell in love with this location and even though this fic is finished I just wanted to return here myself for a bit, so here is the first extra chapter detailing a little of Kirk and Spock's fun times together after all the grief. Fluff!**

**Gentle side helping of Chulu. **

**Bonus Chapter #1**

**1. The Kitchen.**

The kitchen is a large room, glimmering in shades of white and blue mosaic, with large windows over- looking the sea. At this time of day the sun shines in casting pale golden gleams across all the work tops. Kirk heads straight to the fridge while Spock finds the recorded message on the wall screen and plays it. Sulu's face appears on the screen.

"Captain Kirk, Commander Spock" Kirk looks up from the fridge – "I hope you enjoyed your first night here –" someone chuckles in the background – "Anyway I hope you're seeing this after that or I've just lost a bet." Kirk looks over at Spock and rolls his eyes – my crew – he mouths.

"There's food in the fridge and an automatic dispenser in the wall in case it turns out neither of you cooks – no offence. Other than that I guess there's nothing you can't work out for yourself – just please don't use the hoverpods to play bubble bumper cars – they're still recovering from last time –"

Kirk grins over at Spock he just looks bemused by this, hey he thinks bubble bumper cars! Spock shakes his head tolerantly. Chekov's face pops up on the screen –

"You started it! That wasn't me!"

"That is just not true"

"It wasn't only me!"

Sulu pushes Chekov gently but firmly out of view –

"Ignore him Captain, he's had too much English candy. Anyway we are truly pleased to see you back Captain."

The little head pops up again like a meerkat -

"Wery wery pleased!" it whoops.

" – and we look forward to seeing you back with us in a few weeks' time. Very much enjoy the break. I can't think of anyone who's earned it more. Sulu out."

"Chekov also out!"

"You were never in!" – is the last thing they hear from Sulu, muttering as he switches off. Kirk shakes his head, grinning –

"My crew" he says aloud, before turning back to the fridge – "Spock they left champagne and strawberries! Why do I feel like I'm being set up?"

"I do not know what you mean Captain" says Spock, already efficiently flipping pancakes, much to Kirk's delight – "Suggest you find condiments if you require pancakes at this time".

"I mean- " says Kirk, rifling through the cupboards – "That this feels like a honeymoon prepared by my crew and me the only one not to know."

"Is this disagreeable to you Captain?"

Kirk frowns –

"Frighteningly not so. Also Spock I think it's quite seriously Jim no don't you?"

"Jim – please sit down, pancakes are occurring imminently."

Kirk sits cross legged on the floor on front of the Japanese table, fork in hand –

"Can you never just say something's nearly ready?"

"I believe I just did. Your plate please."

Kirk holds it aloft –

"Please sir, I want some more" he quips.

"Charles Dickens – "Oliver Twist"" says Spock – "Yet irrelevant in this context as you have not yet –"

"Oh my god Spock –" Kirk groans, then smiles – "I'm gonna have to live with this forever aren't I?"

Spock suppresses the genuine nervousness that threatens to slip into his face and voice –

"Tell me this is not disagreeable to you?" he asks and Kirk gives him that smile that answers him better than words and he knows that is better than fine. He joins Kirk on the floor, watching him squeeze his way effortlessly into cracking open a jam jar –

"I'm never gonna have to struggle with lids again am I?" he beams, jamming, sugaring and taking down a good quarter of a pancake in one bite – "Oh my god – food!"

"I would find it unlikely Captain –" says Spock, ignoring this last, except internally where he views it with extreme fondness – "Also you have jam on your chin."

Kirk grins with a smile that spreads first to his eyes and then seems to infuse him utterly, knowing that this is Vulcan for Spock finding him adorable.

"Sugar?" he offers, watching Spock methodically quarter a lemon and squeeze it onto a pancake with never before seen elegance.

"No thank you"

"Are you sure? It's delicious"

"Jim you are well aware of the effects of sucrose upon my species."

"Sooo….sugar?"

"Not at this hour pekatov"

"Pekatov? That Russian?"

"Vulcan. It means you are –" Spock blushes a little – "Adorable. There appears to be a message on the side of that bottle" he adds quickly, indicating the champagne.

"Oh yeah – it says –" Kirk pauses to watch Spock consume a pancake in a rare and fascinatingly logical manner – "It says "Take us up to the roof. Trust me" – cryptic, you think we should?

"As this note on the strawberries reads "Eat me" therefore clearly referencing Lewis Carroll , I am very much not sure that we should. However I suspect that we will do nevertheless."

"Why Mr. Spock are you actually suggesting we be led by the illogical spirit of adventure?"

"I am suggesting that it would be preferable to watching to see if your digestive functions extend to the consumption of more than five pancakes in quick succession, yes Captain."

"I love you Spock."

"If you are capable of movement suggest you handle the alcoholic beverage" says Spock, taking hold of the strawberries and rising with more than a vague glint in his eye."

"Oh trust me –" Kirk beams, blissfully – "I'm on it."

**The roof**

From the first floor they find a secret staircase leading up to the roof. Walking out onto it feels a little like walking into a tropical paradise. To call it a roof garden would be a terrible understatement. Kirk blinks in the sunlight, eyes widening at the beauty and the sparkle – with the shimmer of the sea beyond. Spock does not smile, because he generally does not, but Kirk can see his eyes grow warmer and larger and his shoulders relax in a gesture that would be a smile from anyone else.

They wander out across the roof – though it would be easy to forget it even was a roof – the sense are so assaulted by colour and scent, the array of flowers something only Sulu could have created – tropical lilies and vines entwining around roses, daisies and crawling flowers, bindweed and clematis weaving around palm trees. Kirk stumbles upon the Jacuzzi almost by accident, ingeniously surrounded by plants and palms, yet still open to the sky so that somehow nothing has fallen into the water. He almost squeaks with happiness and looks instantly around for Spock. Not seeing him, he puts the bottle down beside the pool and is then alarmed to hear an odd choked noise –

"Spock?" he heads towards the noise and finds Spock looking down at a yellow rose bush, frozen in the act of stroking a petal as he visibly forces an emotion down hard.

"Spock – you okay?" Kirk frowns, putting a gentle hand on his arm. Spock turns at the touch and Kirk can feel him shaking the feeling off like an uncomfortable garment. He drops his hand, gently tracing the edge of the flower as he does so. For a moment Kirk thinks he will not say anything about it, then –

"My mother grew flowers like these –" he says, falteringly – "I used to think it was a trivial concern – I would tell myself to wonder why she did it but really I just knew that I liked it. I think perhaps I was not supposed to, that beauty without reason was illogical – consequently unnecessary. But now I know – that beauty is its own reason – my mother, she must have known this and known too that it was something I had to find out for myself."

"How did you?" Kirk asks – "Find out?"

Spock turns to look at him and this time he smiles, really smiles –

"Jim –" he says it like a prayer – "K'hat' n'd lawa – you are all the answers I ever sought." He takes Kirk's hand in his, that feeling of coming home.

"Do you think she would have liked me? – at all?" Spock's smile goes all the way to his eyes –

"You are illogical, impulsive and emotional" he says – "She would have loved you."

"I wish we could have met"

"As do I."

"But at least you can introduce me to your dad."

"That is illogical Jim, as you have already met."

"Spock I was choking over a console, trying to make you mad and suffering the most uncomfortable erection of my life – hardly at my best –"

Spock scowls a little –

"Neither was I."

"Spock come – I gotta show you something."

Spock squints at him, slightly suspiciously –

"Usually when you say that we end up engaging in coitus."

"I have no problems with that scenario, c'mon." He leads Spock by the hand, bounding like an excited child –

"We have a Jacuzzi!" he beams.

"Fascinating. What is it for?"

Kirk pauses in the act of taking his clothes off –

"Seriously Spock? It's just like – a bath – with bubbles – and it's awesome! Don't tell me you never encountered one before!"

"I have not. It seems a highly illogical human contraption."

Kirk jumps in and turns the bubbles on, stretching and wiggling as he settles into the water. Spock looks at him like he has gone mad and looks at the Jacuzzi like it might bite him.

"Spooock –" Kirk breathes, leaning back and groaning softly from a warm happy place – "Get in here with me – is goooood!"

"I am not sure –"

"Just do the thing Spock"

Spock gets undressed, observing that the combination of bubbles and hot water certainly does seem to produce a near orgasmic response from Kirk. Nevertheless he tests the water with an extremely tentative toe –

"It is not logical –" he begins, getting no further before Kirk cuts in –

"Dude get in already, stop being a pussy!"

"A curious expression Captain, though doubtless the aversion to unnecessary water is comparable to a feline reaction –"

"Spock!"

"Yes Captain"

"Get in and shut up, that's an order!"

Spock slides in quickly and gracefully, masking his awkwardness well, sitting still in the water for a while whilst Kirk's eyes glitter with merriment at his bemused expression. Spock shifts.

"Well?"

"It is – extremely pleasant" he admits, grudgingly – "Do I take it this is a traditional Terran honeymoon activity?"

"Yup, and a good one – also with champagne - you want?"

"I am not sure that is –"

"Shut up, you're having."

"I do not believe I like –"

"Yeah yeah, you said that about the bubbles and now you're wiggling like a happy seal on a rock."

"I refute that statement."

"You are so"

"I am not."

"Are so!"

"Jim, have you regressed back to childhood?"

"Mebbe – cheers!" he waves the champagne bottle aloft, not having any glasses – "Next you'll be telling me you don't like strawberries."

"On the contrary – strawberries are, as I believe you would say –" he uses the word testingly – "Awesome."

Kirk giggles.

"Say awesome again!"

"No."

"Aww please!"

"Awesome" Spock intones, deadpan. Kirk cracks up, wriggling in the water like a bug on a stick. Spock eats a strawberry and pretends to ignore him.

"Spock you nibble like a hamster."

"This amuses you?"

"It's really cute."

"Jim I'm a Vulcan, we are not "cute""

"Pfft. You are."

"Jim if you continue to insult me I will not save you a single strawberry."

"Ouch, Mr Spock, you wound me with your words! Give!"

Later, when the fighting's done they will make love among the bubbles, each aware of how beautiful the other is, no more so than here in this strange Eden – like playground. But for now they wrestle for strawberries, Spock eventually feeding half of them to Kirk himself, in defiance of all logic.

It is not, he reasons, only beauty that occurs just for the sake of occurring.

_x_


	16. Author's note

**Not a real chapter I'm sorry just an author's note!**

It has occurred to me that there are going to be so many of these bonus sections that it's more worth writing a sequel than whacking them on the end of this fic. I think too much fluff on the end of the angst sort of ruins the shape of the story so I'm going to make a whole new story –sort of a sequel to this one, that deals entirely with this little "honeymoon" that's starting to happen!

I'm going to use that first bonus chapter I posted here as the first chapter of the new story but otherwise it will all be new stuff – a mixture of fluff, smut, crack, more fluff and feels!

I'm calling it "Cat in the Larder" – I promise this will be explained!

This also means, dear faithful readers that this story is now definitely and completely FINISHED! Thank you for reading and for your lovely feedback.


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